Mario Parody: Luigi vs Mini-Game Island
by AllHailMario
Summary: From the same nut that brought you Blooper Mario Sunshine comes a spoof of the original Mario Party's Mini-Game Island, where Luigi conquers the mini-games one by one to improve himself. With increasingly nutty challenges and a sinister influence in the background, can Luigi survive long enough to become the fabled Super Star?
1. Depart for Misadventure

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before we begin, there are a few things I'd like to say.

First of all, I'm not dead. I don't know if some of you thought I was, but I breathe yet.

Secondly, I know I said at the end of Blooper Mario Sunshine that I would be doing only one-shots, but consider this a special exception. I had to get it out of my system, so here it is.

Thirdly, this fanfic is much shorter than Blooper Mario Sunshine, so each update is expected to take place in a week's time. At its current rate, this should wrap up in no later than two months. (Updating on time for once? What sacrilege is this?)

Fourthly, this fanfic is written in a similar dialogue-focused style to Blooper Mario Sunshine: character names will be written in **bold** to indicate who's speaking, and _italic_ will be used to indicate non-character speech. This style of writing allows me to focus on dialogue and other quirks more directly than my normal writing pattern.

Finally, you will see little reminders at the bottom of each chapter with links to other media I'm affiliated with, like a website and a blog. If you like my work, you'd probably enjoy the other outlets as well.

Alright, I've jabbered on enough. Let's cut to Luigi's trials on Mini-Game Island.

* * *

_A red-shelled Koopa stands on an isolated beach, gazing out over the far blue waters. He starts to fall asleep, but his eyes "poing" back open when he notices a strange silhouette on the horizon. He forms a visor over his eyes with his hand to see what it is._

**Koopa:** Hey, there's a raft out there in the ocean... Is that...?

_The Medallion Calls from the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack plays as the shadows lift to reveal Luigi, standing tall and majestic, the wind blowing through his hair and plastering a starfish onto his face. Annoyed, he pulls it off and throws it back into the drink._

**Koopa:** It's Luigi! Luigi is riding on the raft and coming this way!

**Luigi:** Where do I park?

**Koopa:** Eh? There's someone else on the raft besides Luigi...

**Luigi:** Oh, him.

**Koopa:** It looks like...

_The raft turns to show a green-faced Mario leaning over the side of the raft. He lifts his head just enough to look in the general direction of the beach._

**Koopa:** Yes, it's Mario! It looks like Mario is behind Luigi.

**Luigi:** Do you just run on canned dialogue?

_And behind Mario is a giant raft housing the Pirates of the Caribbean orchestra, but they are forced to quiet their music as Luigi's raft hits the beach sand and comes to a halt. Luigi hauls Mario off the raft, then turns around and presses a button on a key fob in his hand. A two-note beep is heard as the raft locks itself. Satisfied, Luigi faces Koopa again._

**Koopa:** Welcome to Mini-Game Island.

**Luigi:** You wouldn't believe how hard it is to sail a hundred and fifteen miles using only a collection of logs roped together. Trust me, it feels good to be here.

**Koopa:** Shall I explain this island to you?

**Luigi:** Sure.

**Koopa:** Beans.

_For a moment, the only sound is the pounding of the waves on the beach. Luigi stares at Koopa for awhile._

**Koopa:** That's all the explanation I can give you. Make of it what you will.

**Luigi:** I was kind of hoping you'd give me something a bit more substantial.

**Koopa:** Oh...? Oh! Sorry, I took a poll of the island once, and one of the questions was "Describe this island in one word."

**Luigi:** And you chose...beans.

**Koopa:** It's a long story. I'm guessing you already know the basics of the island. But first, I must know why you are here.

**Luigi:** I have journeyed from afar to seek spiritual enlightenment and self-discipline through this island's training program. I have cowered from Boos and been the avatar of Player 2 for too long, and now I shall wash it away and clothe myself in bravery. Also, I came here for your Famous Tropical Island Hot Dogs. _[holds out a coupon with a hot dog on it]_

**Koopa:** Oh. That closed down three months ago.

**Luigi:** _[wearing a crestfallen expression]_ What?

**Koopa:** Yeah, something about a contract dispute between the hot dog stand and World 8. Sorry.

**Luigi:** But that's 90% of the reason I came here!

**Koopa:** And your coupon is way expired.

**Mario:** Spiritual enlightenment was only 5%. Don't ask me what the other 5% is.

_Mario's stomach makes an unsettling rumbling sound as he leans down to the waves again. Koopa looks at him in pity and slight revulsion._

**Koopa:** What happened to him?

**Luigi:** He's fine. He's just paranoid since his last visit to an island. Never wanted to talk about it much. But what about the hot dogs? This is an island! Don't you at least have a hidden stash somewhere?

**Koopa:** Not to my knowledge. Also, I need to do this.

_The Koopa presses a button disguised in a nearby bush. The raft explodes, showering them with wood and ash and sending up a towering pillar of water._

**Luigi:** What was that all about?!

**Koopa:** It's part of the spiritual awakening. With no return, your only choice is to go forward.

**Mario:** _[with a blackened face and blown-back hair]_ Guys? I think I just went blind.

**Luigi:** Could you have told me of this before I decided to come here?

**Koopa:** Well, that's the thing. We've never had anybody come out here for the training program before. We didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to do it.

**Luigi:** I'm the smartest of all the six party-goers! The instruction manual even says so!

**Koopa:** Even geniuses can make mistakes. Look at Einstein and his hair.

**Luigi:** I guess there's no going back now, huh? So what do I do first?

**Koopa:** Well, there IS a way out, but you must complete the trials of the island first. Do you see that big blue spot further into the island?

_Luigi leans past Koopa and glances through the bushes and palm trees to see a blue circle on the ground. What looks like a bunch of orange cubes hovering over the grass are situated to the right of it._

**Luigi:** Yeah, looks like one of the blue spaces on the Board Maps. I'm going to need a little more than three coins to make it home safely.

**Koopa:** Actually, this comes more from your 2D platform adventures. You know, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World...?

**Luigi:** _[glares at Mario]_ I wouldn't know, I usually didn't tag along on those.

**Mario:** The house won't clean itself. _[pauses for a moment]_ Is he glaring at me?

**Koopa:** Each blue space marks an uncleared mini-game. When you beat that mini-game, the space will turn yellow, and you'll be allowed to proceed onward. There are nine worlds with several spaces each, and you can only leave the island when you conquer all the mini-games and reach the Goal sign at the end. Also, you'll get three cool new mini-games from Puff. They'll look good with your scars and dried blood.

**Luigi:** Encouraging.

**Koopa:** If you think this is hard, just wait until Mario Party 2. At the end of each World is a Save Space with a picture of my shell on it. You can save your progress there so if you die, you just return to that spot with your previously-saved stuff.

**Luigi:** I can die?

**Koopa:** Well, you can lose all your lives. Beating a mini-game for the first time or collecting one hundred coins gets you an extra life. Losing at a mini-game will knock one life off your total. If it reaches zero, you get a Game Over, and then you come see me.

**Luigi:** I can die?

**Koopa:** Consider it a temporary death. Any other questions?

**Luigi:** Yes. Do I need to carry Mr. Nervous around with me?

**Mario:** I can't see.

**Koopa:** Only for 2 vs. 2 mini-games. He'll chill out in the background when you're doing everything else. Remember, this is your journey, Luigi. You must make it yourself, even if it means teaming up with someone to show your teamwork and cooperation. When you reach a 2 vs. 2 mini-game, he'll be your partner.

**Mario:** That should be a piece of cake. Remember our old laser tag strategy?

**Luigi:** You punched me in the stomach and made me draw everyone's fire while you went off, captured the flag, and stole the glory.

**Mario:** And did it work?

**Luigi:** Only until everyone realized you'd just taken our own flag. Then they shot you and stole the flag while you lay there twitching.

**Mario:** So many lasers, so few retina cells. It would have worked if there'd been more lighting and I could have seen whose flag it was.

**Luigi:** That's why you did the exact same thing the next three matches, wasn't it?

**Mario:** _[raises his eyebrows slightly]_ Did I really?

**Luigi:** It wouldn't surprise me if you'd forgotten. You were frothing at the mouth at that point. _[rubs his stomach]_ So was I, actually.

**Koopa:** Can we steer this conversation into more pleasant waters?

**Luigi:** Right, so we were talking about my imminent death.

**Koopa:** _[sighs]_ Just do your best and try to make it to the Goal, Luigi. I may be the low level grunt, but I believe in you.

**Mario:** I don't.

**Koopa:** Remember my discussion on teamwork, Mario?

**Mario:** Remember Luigi's propensity for sliding around everywhere and falling off cliffs?

**Luigi:** Remember Mario's propensity for having absolutely no unique qualities about him?

**Mario:** It's called balance!

**Luigi:** It's called neutrality.

**Mario:** I think I can see again!

**Koopa:** Do I sense a bit of hostility here?

**Luigi:** He hates being within fifty miles of an island. We argued much of the way here. Arguments I DIDN'T START -

**Koopa:** Luigi, why don't you begin your journey? It's better to get it done sooner rather than later. I'll just go ahead and whip Mario up a nice, hot cup of...shrimp innards or something.

**Mario:** What?

**Koopa:** Life on the island is tough. You do what you have to.

**Mario:** This isn't going to cost me another fifty coins, is it?

**Koopa:** I don't understand.

**Luigi:** Eh, you're right. I can take a rest whenever, and I need something to distract myself with. I'll see you guys in a bit. I'm off to awaken my true self and find a way off this island! Enjoy your shrimp innards, Mario!

**Mario:** GAAHHH!

_Luigi walks triumphantly toward the heart of the island while Mario rubs his eyes and Koopa looks between them forlornly. As Luigi's green form starts to blend in with the rest of the island, Koopa turns back to Mario._

**Koopa:** I've got some crushed crab shell salad if you'd prefer that. Special family recipe.

**Mario:** I think I'll just kneel here and eat sand for awhile. I don't feel like moving. _[takes a bite out of the beach and swallows]_ That is some good sand. Want some?

**Koopa:** Are you alright?

**Mario:** In the grand scheme of things, no, probably not. Got any salt?

**Narrator:** And so Luigi sets off on the first leg of his journey. He doesn't know what to expect, but with determination and the power of friendship, he knows he can overcome it. Meanwhile, Mario sprinkles a little soy sauce on the sand and continues to degrade his sanity. Koopa can only stand back and hope Luigi passes the intimidating tests before him. And I have a job again. I was one heck of a good disk jockey before being invited here.

**Koopa:** Narrator, you need to remember to turn off the island output when speaking into the microphone.

**Narrator:** Sorry. Been awhile.

**Koopa:** And are you using a different voice?

**Narrator:** Indeed. Instead of sounding like Don LaFontaine or Kyle Hebert, I have now opted to sound like the guy from Pokemon who narrates the To Be Continued part. Wait, how do you know what my first voice sounded like?

**Koopa:** Internet.

**Narrator:** Of course. Stay tuned for the next chapter, where Luigi fights through the deceptively tricky World 1.

* * *

Website: Game Poll

Blog: Game Poll Haven

More information in profile.


	2. Artificial Unintelligence

**Luigi:** I kind of wish that Koopa hadn't blown up my raft. Just seeing its white sail would make me feel better.

_Luigi arrives at the big blue space on the ground, stops, and looks around. Birds chirp overhead. The crash of the waves resounds on the horizon. Palm trees rustle in the wind._

**Luigi:** Any ideas, someone?

_Luigi lightly kicks the blue space with his foot, creating a mild squeaking sound._

**Luigi:** Am I supposed to dig for treasure here? Did I win the grand prize?

**Voice:** Congratulations! You won the grand prize!

**Luigi:** _[eyes widening]_ Oh gosh, did I? I wasn't being serious!

**Voice:** That's right! As this island's first ever challenger, you earn a bevy of incredible rewards to salute your show of bravery and intuition!

_A couple of flare projectors slowly rise from the ground and turn into position. Luigi's face lights up excitedly. The projectors systematically spark, then emit big puffs of smoke and loud, constant grating sounds._

**Voice:** _[slowing and increasingly low-pitched]_ These wonderful prizes include a free hot doooog at the Troooopiiiiicaaaaal Islaaaand... Mustard only... Free jar of pickles...

_Parts of the ground open up into squares as realistic female robots ascend, spinning and dancing around Luigi. One of them spontaneously combusts, causing Luigi to flinch and shield his eyes. The arm of another falls off, and a third topples over entirely, still attempting to dance face-down in the dirt._

**Luigi:** _[bending down to read text on the face-down robot woman]_ Just as I thought. These ceremonial machines were put in place over ten years ago. No wonder they went bad.

**Female Robot:** Marry me, island visitor. Marry me, island visitor. Marry me, island visitor.

**Luigi:** I'll be having none of that.

_Luigi pulls something important out of the Female Robot, causing it to power down and stare into the distance disturbingly. One of the flare projectors explodes, prompting Luigi to stand up and back into the center of the blue space. He wipes his sleeves off and looks around._

**Luigi:** Alright, come on! I accept this challenge already!

_The world goes white as everything disappears from Luigi's view. His eyes go wide again and he whips his head around, seeing nothing but bubbles and clouds._

**Luigi:** I take it back! Get me out of here!

**Higher-pitched Voice:** Relax, Luigi. You're in good hands.

**Luigi:** If those hands are made of bubbles, I still want out!

**Higher-pitched Voice:** It's a metaphor. You're in a special sort of spiritual realm created exclusively for Mini-Game Island. You'll use this realm to learn how to do each challenge and practice some basic moves for it.

**Luigi:** So it's like a Hyperbolic Time Chamber in Mario Party.

**Higher-pitched Voice:** Basically.

**Luigi:** Suddenly I like this game a lot more. But who are you? Why do I feel like I've eaten too much of Mario's mushroom lasagna before bed again?

**Higher-pitched Voice:** I, Luigi...am this realm's guardian. I oversee this spiritual plane and ensure nothing is out of place or missing. I am the one keeping you adrift, and it is I who will instruct you in the manner of your challenges.

_A familiar figure materializes in front of Luigi, pushing aside the bubbles and clouds in that spot._

**Spiritual Toad:** Hi.

_Luigi screams one high-pitched note for twenty seconds before he clears his throat and resumes a civil posture._

**Luigi:** Good evening, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's morning.

**Luigi:** Good morning, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** Same to you. Lovely falsetto voice you have.

**Luigi:** Thanks. Only shows itself when things SCARE THE BEJEEZES OUT OF ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

**Spiritual Toad:** I'm this realm's guardian. I oversee the challenges.

**Luigi:** I know that! But why you?!

**Spiritual Toad:** Mario Party? Sell stars? Give advice on mini-games?

**Luigi:** You've been waiting here over ten years just for this? What magazines have they given you to keep you busy?

**Spiritual Toad:** I'm kind of everywhere at once. I can do things like that. So how have you been lately, Luigi? I haven't seen you since the last Mario Party.

**Luigi:** What number was that? Eight? Nine? Fifty-seven?

**Spiritual Toad:** Close enough. What made you decide to come back to the scene of the first one and try out Mini-Game Island?

**Luigi:** Because people think it's funny when I do stuff like that. And because I'm tired of being scared when things randomly pop out at me. Like a few seconds ago.

**Spiritual Toad:** I must do that more often. Remind me to bring a recorder next time.

**Luigi:** Remind me to bring a crowbar next time. Use your imagination for what I'll do with it. So? How do I complete this challenge?

**Spiritual Toad:** Right. This mini-game is called Coin Block Blitz. Did you see those orange blocks floating over the ground before I pulled you into the spiritual realm?

**Luigi:** Yeah. What do I do, collect coins from them?

**Spiritual Toad:** Precisely. Just collect ten of them and you can move on.

**Luigi:** That's it? What's the catch?

**Spiritual Toad:** There really isn't one. Your opponents have the most basic programming drilled into them, so they'll pretty much just hop in place until you win. This isn't Shinobi, Luigi. You're relatively safe on the first stage.

**Luigi:** That's good to hear. But what do you mean by programming? And how are you omnipresent?

**Spiritual Toad:** Oh, yeah. There are nine blocks in total, each with a differing number of coins. When you collect all the coins in one block, the block will vanish and you'll have to move on. But three opponents, which are cleverly-programmed holographic projections of other people you've met, will try to win as well, taking coins from spare blocks. If these opponents were any thicker, they'd be made of titanium. Don't worry about it for now. No, it's only when you approach some of the later levels that you need concern yourself with your enemies.

**Luigi:** I've got it. How are you omnipresent?

**Spiritual Toad:** You have sixty seconds to complete the challenge, so it shouldn't be difficult. Good luck, and I'll see you in the next mini-game.

**Luigi:** You're dodging the question.

**Spiritual Toad:** Do you hear an oven buzzer going off? I hear an oven buzzer. I've got to check on that. Have a safe challenge.

**Luigi:** Toad?

_The scenery goes completely white as even the clouds and bubbles disappear. A few seconds pass before the environment takes form again in the guise of a small grassy field hemmed in by a fence. Nine orange blocks float above the ground. Luigi is situated in one corner of the square field, while three others - Wario, Donkey Kong, and Peach - occupy the remaining corners._

**Luigi:** So this is what Toad meant by other people I've met. Really seems like Mario Party all over again.

**Wario:** SHIBARAKU DA NE, RUIIJI. ORE NO NAMAE WA WARIO DA YO.

**Luigi:** What?

**Wario:** CORRECTION. SYSTEM ERROR. ADJUSTING TO OVERSEAS LANGUAGE. IT HAS BEEN AWHILE, LUIGI. MY NAME IS WARIO. I WILL GRIND YOU INTO DUST AND SCATTER IT IN A DUMPSTER. ADRIAN MONK WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIND YOUR REMAINS.

**Luigi:** Amazingly lifelike. I totally thought you were the real deal, Wario.

**Wario:** ENEMY AUDIO RECORDED. THE EXPERIMENT HAS BEEN A SUCCESS.

**Luigi:** Next I'd like to introduce you to the concept of sarcasm.

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Luigi:** Uh-oh. Mini-game's starting. Time to get to work!

_Luigi runs to the closest orange block, jumps, and punches it from beneath. A single coin soars out of the top before the block disappears in a puff of smoke. Luigi lands on his belly and feels the air whoosh out of his lungs. He is initially worried about the time he's lost, but a quick look around proves his worries are baseless. Wario is hitting the bottom of a block once every few seconds, Peach is jumping aimlessly from the spot she started in, and Donkey Kong is beating his head against a wall. Encouraged, Luigi springs up and hits the next closest block._

**Block:** HEY!

**Luigi:** AH! What?

**Block:** If you want a coin, just freaking ask! You ever think of that?

**Luigi:** Uh...no, I - the blocks have never spoken to me before.

**Block:** Inanimate objects have feelings too, you know!

**Luigi:** No they don't.

**Block:** IGNORANT MUSTACHIOED PLUMBER!

**Luigi:** My point still stands. But since you've proven sentient, may I please have a coin?

**Block:** Now that you've asked nicely, yes, I suppose so.

_Luigi holds out his hand, catching a golden coin as it's dropped into it. He waits a few seconds, then gestures with his fingers._

**Block:** What now?

**Luigi:** I want more than one.

**Block:** Ooohhh, you want more than one now. That's the way they always work, isn't it? You give them one of your only possessions, and they come mewling back for more.

**Luigi:** Listen, I don't have time for this.

**Block:** Yeah, well neither do I!

**Luigi:** You're a block. Just give me the coins.

**Block:** You're forgetting the magic word here, pal.

_Luigi jumps up and punches the block repeatedly. The block yelps with each one and yields a coin for every hit. When the last one is drained, the block disappears in smoke._

**Luigi:** Fist trumps magic word every time. Now to pull back into the lead.

_Luigi jogs to the next block and stares up at it._

**Luigi:** You'd better not give me the same spiel.

_Luigi hits the block until he gathers all the coins therein. Wario is hitting the final block available, slowly draining its contents. Luigi runs up to him and jumps on him, ricocheting between Wario and the block at supersonic speed to gain every remaining coin in half a second. He lands on the ground and struggles to regain his equilibrium as the Female Voice announces the game is finished._

**Luigi:** I think I won. Did I win?

_All three computer opponents turn and stare at him. Donkey Kong pulls his head from the coconut-shaped hole in the wall and stares at Luigi, motionless. Luigi waves at them awkwardly. The field goes black, signifying the end of the mini-game. Luigi finds himself back on the blue space on the real island._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Alright! I did it!

_A jingle is heard as Luigi's pockets grow somewhat heavier. He reaches into his left pocket and pulls out a small orange 1. He feels into his right and discovers thirteen coins. A smile lights his face._

**Luigi:** This adventure could be very profitable.

_Luigi's overalls start drooping down. His smile fades._

**Luigi:** Maybe I'd better find some sort of storage point.

_Luigi walks back to the beach where he first met Koopa and sees Mario and Koopa them talking to each other around a black kettle, both holding steaming cups of something._

**Koopa:** And that's when I realized my supervisor was a Clubba all along. _[notices Luigi]_ Oh, hey, Luigi! Did you beat the first mini-game?

**Luigi:** Yup. But I believe I'm a few pounds heavier.

**Mario:** _[grimacing at his cup]_ I believe I'm a few pounds lighter.

**Koopa:** It's an acquired taste. It's actually considered a delicacy in many parts.

**Mario:** Where, hell?

**Luigi:** I was referring to my earnings. _[dumps the coins and 1 into the middle of the group]_ I gained thirteen coins and what I'm assuming is an extra life from Coin Block Blitz. But I can't keep carrying all this stuff with me; eventually, it'll just slow me down. And I don't feel like buying a new pair of overalls to compensate for the ruined one.

**Koopa:** Ah. So you want us to keep track of it for you?

**Luigi:** Bingo.

**Koopa:** We can do that. We'd be happy to help however we can. Of course, we can't take your place in the mini-games.

**Mario:** Oh, horror of horrors. How will I live with myself?

**Luigi:** Just eat your shrimp innards and shut up.

**Mario:** Whatever.

**Koopa:** Oh, but you should keep the extra lives for yourself. You'll need them when you run out of your current set.

**Luigi:** I have a current set?

**Koopa:** Yeah, you should have three. Did you check your pockets?

**Luigi:** Yes. I only found one.

_Luigi's overalls sloop down a little more._

**Luigi:** Never mind, there they are.

**Koopa:** Must have been an error in the communication department, then. Mario and I will keep track of your coins, but bear in mind they can't be used outside this island.

**Luigi:** They can't?

**Koopa:** No, they're just tokens that add up to an extra life when you reach one hundred. Sorry.

**Luigi:** Pretty heavy for being counterfeit.

**Koopa:** I guess so. You should only have three mini-games left before completing World 1, so if you can do that today, you'll be a pretty big step ahead.

**Luigi:** If they're all as quick as Coin Block Blitz, I can probably beat them all today. I want to get off this island.

**Koopa:** You're going to be awfully tired.

**Luigi:** I can do it. _[picks up his extra life on the ground]_ I'll be going, then. I'll see you in the first 2 vs. 2 mini-game, Mario. Whenever that is.

**Mario:** Hopefully soon. I think my butt is turning into stone.

_Luigi shrugs and walks back off into the island proper. As he nears the Coin Block Blitz space, he notices it's yellow this time instead of blue, evidence that he has completed it. Smiling, he moves on to the next blue space and comes to a stop._

**Luigi:** I'm ready.

_The world goes white again as the scenery shifts to bubbles and clouds once more. Spiritual Toad materializes in front of him and yawns._

**Spiritual Toad:** Back for more?

**Luigi:** I can get more masochistic yet. So what's up this time?

**Spiritual Toad:** Have you ever heard of deja vu?

**Luigi:** I think so.

**Spiritual Toad:** Good to hear, because this mini-game should sound awfully familiar. It's called Coin Block Bash.

**Luigi:** Right.

**Spiritual Toad:** But it's a 3 vs. 1 mini-game.

**Luigi:** Uh-huh.

**Spiritual Toad:** And you get to kill people with a giant hammer.

**Luigi:** _[eyes lighting up]_ That's the most awesome thing I've heard all day. I feel liberated all of a sudden. It's like Christmas morning all over again.

**Spiritual Toad:** You still need ten coins to pass the challenge, but now you get to turn people into crepes and serve them at the local iHop. Someone can attack you and take the hammer from you, though, so you might want to hang onto it.

**Luigi:** Well, I'd imagine the hammer would just slow me down, so it may be a better idea to just ditch it and hit the blocks myself.

**Spiritual Toad:** And the blocks are made of brick.

_Luigi and Spiritual Toad stare at each other._

**Spiritual Toad:** What, didn't you used to bust these things with your head in the olden days?

**Luigi:** With my fist, and it still hurt like heck. At least they shattered in one hit.

**Spiritual Toad:** These shatter in something like eight. _[snaps his fingers and produces a big hammer out of thin air]_ Still interested in leaving the hammer behind?

**Luigi:** _[snatching the hammer away]_ Give me that.

_Luigi misjudges the weight of the hammer and accidentally sets it on his foot. He looks at it casually, then returns his gaze to Spiritual Toad._

**Luigi:** Help.

**Spiritual Toad:** You can't get it off?

**Luigi:** It's stuck.

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, no worries. Nothing that happens to you in this realm stays, so your foot will be back to normal in time for Coin Block Bash. ...Say, that reminds me. Have you ever heard of deja vu?

**Luigi:** I think so.

**Spiritual Toad:** Good to hear. I'm sending you into the mini-game now. Or do you want to practice at all?

**Luigi:** I've lost all the feeling from my right knee down.

**Spiritual Toad:** Sending you in, then.

_The realm fades again, and Luigi finds himself in roughly the same fenced-in meadow. Nine brick blocks hover over the ground in a similar fashion to Coin Block Blitz. Luigi wiggles the toes in his right foot and finds they all work to perfection. In his hands is the big hammer Spiritual Toad gave him. Yoshi, Peach, and Wario are in the other corners of the field. Luigi licks his lips expectantly._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi raises his hammer and crashes down on the nearest block, showering debris everywhere as a single golden coin falls and skitters across the field. Weighed down by the hammer, he pursues it and scoops it up, where it disappears into glitter to be added to his total coin count. Yoshi crosses his path, focused on smashing his face into the next block just for giggles. Luigi smiles evilly and swings the hammer to the side, sending Yoshi face-first into the wall, shaking the meadow and spreading cracks up the side of the wall._

**Ricola Guy:** RiiiicolaaaaAAAUGH! Earthquake!

_Luigi continues to the next block and bashes it to pieces. An orange sack of five coins falls out, sliding along the ground. The computerized Wario jerks his head to it unnaturally, stops, and chases after it. Luigi purses his lips angrily as Wario reaches for the sack._

**Luigi:** Remove your fingers from my coins before I remove them from your hand!

_The hammer comes straight down on top of Wario, sending him close to the center of the earth and producing a massive tower of dirt and dust. Luigi touches the coin sack as the dust clears and systematically destroys the remaining blocks and tortures any living being he comes into contact with. With nine coins and twenty seconds on the clock, Luigi heads for the last block remaining, sweating from the exertion of carrying the hammer but enjoying himself immensely. He raises his hammer for the final swing, a light shining in his eyes...but then something bowls him over and he loses his grip on the hammer. The weapon sinks into the dirt about ten feet away as Yoshi with a face resembling an anvil assumes a mount on top of Luigi and starts to strangle him._

**Luigi:** Not when I've come this far!

**Yoshi:** Rawr yip huppo. [I will take your life as compensation for my ruined face.]

**Luigi:** Get off me, you oversized gecko.

_Luigi punches Yoshi off of him and rolls to his belly, coughing and clutching his throat. He begins to crawl for the hammer, but Yoshi grabs his foot and pulls him back._

**Yoshi:** Meepo hup rawr. [You'll not escape my energetic dinosaur wrath.]

**Luigi:** Make yourself a fruit salad and head for the hills. This party's over!

_Luigi throws another punch at Yoshi, but the lizard catches it and returns with a jab to the ribs. Luigi absorbs the hit and kicks Yoshi in the face, then climbs on top of Yoshi and punches him in the head repeatedly. Yoshi seizes an opening and rolls over on top of Luigi, strangling him again. Stars burst in Luigi's vision and the world begins to spin before his eyes. It looks like the end... But a hammer raises behind Yoshi and slams down on him, flattening him into a 2D pixel. Peach stands over him, hammer clenched in her fists._

**Yoshi:** Yup bum mrff. [I will have my vengeance on you, giant Barbie doll.]

**Luigi:** Um...thanks?

_Peach raises the hammer again, making her intentions clear. Luigi stares at the hammer, unable to move with Yoshi flattened on him. He glances to his left and notices the final coin twirling by. He reaches out just as Peach swings the hammer down and touches the coin. The hammer stops inches from his face as Peach goes rigid._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

_The world goes white again, and Luigi materializes back onto the Coin Block Blitz space, which is now yellow. He rubs his throat and looks at the sky._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Ten coins? I win again! But my poor throat. Does anyone have a throat lozenge?

**Ricola Guy:** I do!

_Luigi ignores him and proceeds onward to a large orange flower in the middle of a small pool of water. On top of the flower is another blue space. He steps onto it hesitantly, feeling it wobble a bit._

**Luigi:** I accept the challenge. Toad?

_The world fades again as Luigi enters the spirit realm once more. Spiritual Toad stands before him, hands on his hips._

**Spiritual Toad:** You okay?

**Luigi:** Yeah. My throat's even feeling better.

**Spiritual Toad:** Wounds inside the challenges don't carry outside, either. You'll just feel the pain from them for a bit before everything feels normal again. The scenery you see in the real world are just basic representations of what the mini-game realm will be like, so they're separate. Are you ready for mini-game number three?

**Luigi:** Yup. What's with the big flower?

**Spiritual Toad:** You'll like this one. It's called Coin Shower Flower.

**Luigi:** Another mini-game with "coin" as its first word?

**Spiritual Toad:** Have you ever heard of deja vu?

**Luigi:** I think so.

**Spiritual Toad:** The goal of this mini-game is simply to collect twenty coins as they shower down on the giant flower from above. You'll be standing on the flower, but if you fall into the water below, you're out. Remember, the more you stand on one side of the flower, the farther it'll lean in that direction, so keep your balance.

**Luigi:** Got it.

**Spiritual Toad:** And no hubris, or you'll take a little swim I hope you never experience. Your three opponents paddle around in giant fallen leaves in the pool, picking up any coins you miss.

**Luigi:** Giant leaves?

**Spiritual Toad:** That's right.

**Luigi:** Made of what, the world's sturdiest rubber? What leaf is going to support Donkey Kong or Wario?

**Spiritual Toad:** The ones in the spirit realm. You're timed in this mini-game, so balance your time and energy carefully. Get it? Balance?

**Luigi:** I get it.

**Spiritual Toad:** Good. Then get going.

_A few seconds later, Luigi finds himself on a much bigger version of the orange flower he saw in the real world. With a pool of water and three computerized opponents glaring at him from their leaves, he suddenly feels a bit vulnerable._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_A coin the size of Luigi's fist falls onto his head, nearly knocking him unconscious. He topples backwards and slowly slides to the edge. The flower begins to tilt, sending Luigi into the water._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Wario:** JUSTICE HAS BEEN EXACTED. TROLOLOLOLOL.

_Luigi reappears on the blue Coin Shower Flower space and shakes his head._

**Female Voice:** Miss!

_Luigi feels odd all of a sudden and reaches into his pocket. One of his extra lives is missing._

**Luigi:** Oh, this is bullcrap. Toad, let me back in!

_Spiritual Toad admits Luigi to the spirit realm and stares at him._

**Spiritual Toad:** What was that?

**Luigi:** A rare moment of weakness. This is going to hurt more than I thought it would.

**Spiritual Toad:** Clumps of metal to the head have a tendency to do that. I suppose I should mention watching the skies is important.

**Luigi:** Then I'll just run into the water.

**Spiritual Toad:** Alright Mr. Smarty Pants, try looking at the ground then. Coins will leave shadows indicating where they're about to fall, so you can collect them more easily and avoid another elegant swan dive into the pool.

**Luigi:** It wasn't intentional, I assure you.

**Spiritual Toad:** However you do it, just come out on top. Shall I send you back in?

**Luigi:** Yes, by all means. But I still want a hardhat.

**Spiritual Toad:** You don't get one.

_Spiritual Toad sends Luigi back into the mini-game. Luigi gains his balance on the flower and watches Wario, Peach, and Donkey Kong in the water below. Remembering Spiritual Toad's advice, he looks down at the flower._

**Luigi:** Why am I not right in the middle of the flower?

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi notices a circular shadow forming to his left. He waits for the coin to fall, then runs forward and grabs it. It vanishes into glitter as before. Another shadow forms right where he is, prompting him to duck to the side and catch the coin in his hand as it falls._

**Luigi:** I see. They only disappear in this case when you touch them with your hands. Donkey Kong would rule at this - he'd just hold his hands in the air and he'd win.

_Donkey Kong glares at Luigi from his leaf down below. Luigi guesses basic emotional responses have been programmed into them. He runs around and scoops up more coins as they fall, causing the flower to tilt where he is._

**Luigi:** I predict we will soon see this ride in Disney World.

_Time soon comes to an end, and Luigi is forced to stop. The flower quits tilting despite him standing near the edge._

**Wario:** WITH ALL TWO OF MY COLLECTED COINS, I SHALL BUILD AN EMPIRE AND RETURN TO DESTROY YOU.

**Luigi:** You're welcome. Maybe you can use them to help pay a plastic surgeon to fix that thing in the middle of your face.

_The mini-game vanishes, leaving Luigi back in the real world._

**Luigi:** So, how'd I do?

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Knew it!

_Luigi gains an extra life and twenty coins, then moves onto the next blue space and announces his readiness to Toad. The world vanishes for a moment, and Luigi finds himself in the spiritual realm once again._

**Luigi:** Last mini-game of the world, eh?

**Toad:** Last mini-game you'll want to do.

**Luigi:** Oh?

**Toad:** This is where Mini-Game Island takes its first noticeable descent into madness. The name of the next mini-game is..._[camera zooms in dramatically]_...Paddle Battle.

_In the real world, original Mario Party players erupt into chaos. A man screams and clamps his hands over his temples. A woman bursts into tears and clings to her boyfriend, who strokes her hair with tears running down his face. Another man passes out altogether._

**Luigi:** Never heard of it.

**Toad:** You'll be fighting to burn the name from your memory after this. Here, take this.

**Luigi:** A paddle? What, do I hit people with it? Sweet.

**Toad:** No. Believe it or not, you row a boat with it.

**Luigi:** Really?

**Toad:** Well, a raft. An inflatable raft, to be precise. This is a 1 vs. 3 mini-game, so you'll be paddling against three other people in a watery ride to the finish.

**Luigi:** That seems horribly unfair.

**Toad:** Don't worry, we'll 'roid you out just for the mini-game. Your ultimate goal is to collect a total of fifteen coins or more by maneuvering the raft to the right side of the river, where a Shy Guy native will hit them with his spear and force your opponents to give up one coin each. But if they push the raft to the left side, a Shy Guy will smack you with his spear and force you to give up three coins.

**Luigi:** Either I need my ears checked or I'm picking up on some innuendo.

**Toad:** It's Mario Party. Where is there not innuendo?

**Luigi:** At any rate, that doesn't sound too hard if all I'm doing is rowing against three people while on steroids.

**Toad:** Take a look at the end of the paddle.

**Luigi:** _[flips the paddle around]_ Uh-huh.

**Toad:** There's a little analog stick. In addition to physically rowing, you will also rotate the control stick as fast as you can, which will push the raft in your favor.

**Luigi:** That's a bit of multitasking, but it still doesn't sound impossible. I just rotate the stick with my thumb, right?

**Toad:** Why, sure you can! If you intend to be stabbed in the head with a spear repeatedly.

**Luigi:** So what's the secret?

**Toad:** Your opponents on Mini-Game Island are capable of mashing any button and rotating any stick fast enough to grind a Nintendo 64 controller into burning dust. Your only hope for survival is to rotate the control stick with the palm of your hand.

**Luigi:** But the instruction manual says not to do that.

**Toad:** _[smacking the paddle out of Luigi's hands]_ Forget the instruction manual! Do you want to beat this island, or do you want to play it safe and lose to a bunch of mindless drones?! There's no way out of here unless you win, so you might as well bear the blister as a Red Badge of Courage and get on with it!

**Luigi:** You ever consider becoming a drill sergeant?

**Toad:** Who knows, maybe I am one! Now get to rowing.

_Luigi shrugs and plunges into the mini-game. A second later, he is sitting in a yellow inflatable raft with the paddle in his hands. Wario, Donkey Kong, and Yoshi take up space to his right. Rainforest expanses form the land on both sides, hemming in a winding, rushing river._

**Luigi:** Oh boy.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi jabs the paddle into the water and both rows and rotates the control stick with all his might. To his surprise, he is rather evenly matched with the three next to him, who start doing similar gestures. Very slowly, his three opponents wind up pushing the raft to the left side of the river. A Shy Guy runs up alonside the shore, spear in hand._

**Luigi:** Beat it, punk!

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink!

_With newfound strength born of desperation, Luigi rows harder and pushes the raft away from the left bank, forcing it closer to the right where a different Shy Guy runs up with a spear. When the raft gets close enough, the Shy Guy swipes all three of Luigi's opponents, producing a coin from each of them. Meanwhile, Luigi can't help but notice he is slowly losing the flesh in the middle of his palm._

**Luigi:** AaaaAAAUGH, I see what Toad means now! And I'm wearing gloves! This is still so painful!

_And his arms are starting to hurt. The war rages as the Shy Guys keep up with the raft. The three opponents gradually row the raft back to the left, where the Shy Guy pokes Luigi and forces the three coins back._

**Luigi:** No! Now we're back to zero!

**Wario:** INSERT DEMEANING ONE-LINER.

_Luigi continues to row furiously, but he is unable to stop his opponents from knocking another three coins out of him. Angry now, he forces the raft to the right, absorbing the shocked and livid looks of the three next to him. The Shy Guy on the right attacks Luigi's opponents, knocking the coins back. The raft gets pushed to the center, where it swerves back and forth repeatedly, somehow making squealing sounds and tire marks on the river._

**Luigi:** What's that rushing sound?

**Yoshi:** Bum yup meeho. [It is the sound of your imminent demise.]

**Luigi:** Either that's a term I've not heard of before, or..._[eyes widen]_...It's a waterfall!

_The river appears to drop off up ahead, generating a loud roaring sound. Luigi pauses for a moment, then rows and rotates all the harder. A few seconds later, they plummet over the waterfall._

**Text Box:** LUIGI used WATERFALL!

**Luigi:** That's supposed to be used for going UP them, not down!

_They descend in slow motion, hair whipping past them frame-by-frame (Yoshi's head scales slick back for a moment), before they crash into the water below. A torrent of water goes up and the speed returns to real time._

**Luigi:** Yoshi, what the heck is wrong with your scales?

**Wario:** THE FINISH IS IN SIGHT.

**Luigi:** Oh, crap, seriously?

_Off in the distance is an arch that clearly signifies the end of the river. Luigi looks down at the control stick, which is mildly covered in blood, and grits his teeth in determination._

**Luigi:** If I fail now, I'll just have to do this all over again until there's a gaping hole in my hand! There's no way I'll let that happen... THERE'S NO WAY -

_Luigi spins the control stick even harder, forcing the raft to the right. It bumps into the right shore, where the Shy Guy smacks the opponents to produce coins. The raft veers left for a moment before Luigi forces it back and gains another three coins. The finish inches closer, and the battle rages on. The opponents almost get the raft all the way back to the left, but Luigi rams it into the right shore again and gets them hit with a spear. The finish line is mere yards away._

**Luigi:** One more hit...just give me one more!

_Yelling furiously, Luigi rotates the control stick faster and pins the raft to the right, earning one more smack to his opponents. The raft sails past the finish line a second later. Luigi throws down the paddle and leans back, clenching his right hand._

**Luigi:** AAAAAUGHAHAHAHOW, my hand! Who thought this was a good idea?

_The mini-game world fades out, placing Luigi back in the real world. He massages his hand, watching it and the hole in the glove over it seal back up._

**Luigi:** Amazing.

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Yes!

_An electric jolt goes through his body, causing him to spasm and cry out._

**Luigi:** What the heck was that?

**Narrator:** Sorry, just had to do it once.

**Luigi:** I don't need CPR!

**Narrator:** You probably will when this is all over.

**Luigi:** Just go back to looming in the background.

**Narrator:** Okay. I get paid regardless.

_Luigi shrugs and moves on to the World 1 Save Space, a giant image of Koopa's shell. He stands and looks around for awhile, wondering what he's supposed to do, when Koopa comes charging from the sidelines to Luigi._

**Koopa:** Sorry...I wasn't prepared.

**Luigi:** So you're here to save my game?

**Koopa:** That's right. When you lose all your lives...IF you lose all your lives...you'll restart here and continue with the amount of progress you'd made when you last saved. If you can make it to the next Save Space, you won't have to redo nearly as much of the island. But congratulations! You made it to the end of World 1! It only gets harder from here!

**Luigi:** Yeah. But no more control stick rotation, right? That was just Paddle Battle, right? ...Right, Koopa?

**Koopa:** Eh...perhaps I should just save your game and let you go.

**Luigi:** At least my body mends itself after each mini-game.

**Narrator:** And so Luigi conquered World 1, acquiring only a taste of Mini-Game Island's true ferocity. What dangers will he face next? What other parts of his body must he mutilate? What can he expect? Stay tuned for chapter three and the coverage of World 2! Speaking of what you can expect, I must always begin every epilogue with the words "and so." Part of my contract.

_This is the end of Chapter 2..._

_Or is it?_

_In a dark, cold room made of stone, a shadowy figure sits in a chair, watching Koopa save Luigi's game from a TV screen._

**Shadowy Figure:** Luigi has overcome World 1 already...most impressive. And with only one loss... But the island gets much harder, and things are still going according to plan. Keep fighting, Luigi. Keep fighting until you realize all hope is gone. Let's see how you handle the next level of computer opponent models...

* * *

Website: Game Poll

Blog: Game Poll Haven

More information in profile.


	3. Back Pain

**Koopa:** Are you sure you don't want to take a breather?

**Luigi:** Nah, I'm fine. This island isn't going to beat itself. How's Mario doing?

**Koopa:** ...I worry about him, Luigi.

**Luigi:** He's been a real nut ever since he got back from that one island. What was it called again? Dolphin? DeNiro?

**Mario:** _[calling from across the island]_ Don't remind me!

**Luigi:** That might've been it, too.

**Koopa:** Well, World 2 has five mini-games instead of four, so the going will be a bit tougher. But remember that you can always come back to this space to save.

**Luigi:** Yeah, but I don't think I'll need it. Thanks for the offer, but I have a spirit to enlighten and an island to beat.

_Luigi walks on from the Save Space, leaving a hopeful but forlorn Koopa behind. He looks around as he walks, taking in the environment._

**Luigi:** Am I going in the right direction? _[looks up]_ Well, it says World 2 up there. Looks just like World 1. I must be in for a real treat.

_Luigi comes to the first blue space of World 2 and notices some white tiles with question marks in a field off to the side. Wondering what the next mini-game has in store for him, he announces his readiness to Spiritual Toad and is whisked away to the realm of clouds and bubbles._

**Spiritual Toad:** Taking on World 2 already?

**Luigi:** I don't feel like throwing myself into a giant meat grinder yet, so I must be doing okay. What's with the white tiles?

**Spiritual Toad:** This mini-game is called Memory Match. I'll give you three guesses what you're supposed to be doing with this one, and the first two don't count.

_Luigi thinks for a moment._

**Luigi:** Tic-tac-toe?

**Spiritual Toad:** Don't make me punch you, Luigi.

**Luigi:** I was joking. I assume I have to flip over one tile at a time and create matches of two on each subsequent flip.

**Spiritual Toad:** Very good. Now guess two more times.

**Luigi:** Don't make me punch YOU, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** It wouldn't really hurt in this realm, anyway. But remember that you're timed, so you can't dally forever.

**Luigi:** Can I dilly?

**Spiritual Toad:** You can't do that, either. You need to create four matches of two, but you may have noticed there are nine white tiles. Why do you think that is?

**Luigi:** Game creator can't count.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's because one of the tiles actually houses Bowser's ugly mug. If you flip it up, you'll be stunned for a little bit, and everyone will have an excuse to laugh at you. If you hit it once, memorize where it is and avoid it like Richard Simmons with the bubonic plague.

**Luigi:** Right.

**Spiritual Toad:** Oh, and there's one more thing you should be aware of.

**Luigi:** What?

**Spiritual Toad:** You have to flip the tiles up by slamming into them with your tailbone.

**Luigi:** ...Why?

**Spiritual Toad:** It generates a lot of force, doesn't it?

**Luigi:** So does hitting yourself in the head with a baseball bat, but it doesn't mean you should do it. What's wrong with punching it? Or curb-stomping it?

**Spiritual Toad:** _[coughs loudly]_ Not as funny.

**Luigi:** What?

**Spiritual Toad:** Oh, would you look at the time? It's time to do something else. See you, Luigi. Good luck with Memory Match. Don't worry, your pelvis will mend itself by the time you beat the mini-game.

**Luigi:** Sure.

_Unwilling to argue further, Luigi makes the mental decision to start the mini-game. He arrives in the middle of the field, surrounded by nine large white tiles in a 3x3 pattern. He scratches the back of his neck uncertainly._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi turns straight around, jumps over the central tile, flips in the air, and crashes down on his butt. Stars burst in his vision and orbit the top of his head like a halo on steroids. Biting back the pain, Luigi glances down and see's a picture of Bowser's face on the tile._

**Luigi:** Owww! WHY!?

_The tile flips back over, and the pain in Luigi's coccyx fades enough for him to stand up. Hunched over, he limps to the tile on the center right, jumps into the air again, and slams into it with his butt. The tile flips over to reveal a picture of a red mushroom._

**Luigi:** Red mushroom. Got it. Oh, my spinal column...

_Still experimenting, Luigi runs to the tile in the bottom-left corner and flips it over painfully. An image of a fire flower appears. A sound like "mijimijimijimoo" jingles and both tiles flip to their original positions._

**Luigi:** Center is Bowser, left-center is red mushroom, bottom-left is fire flower. Tailbone is broken. Hospital bill is enormous. Hopes are shattered. So is tailbone. Ugh...

_Luigi gets up and runs to the bottom-center tile on the right, flipping it over. A red mushroom appears. Grinning for once, Luigi returns to the left-center tile and flips it over. A rainbow forms between the two tiles, producing two coins. The tiles stay up to show they have been completed._

**Luigi:** _[staring at one of the rainbow's bases]_ Hey! Where's the pot of gold?! What a ripoff!

_Luigi goes to the right-center tile and turns it over, unveiling a green mushroom instead of a red one. He hits the bottom-right tile to reveal a fire flower. The unusual sound plays again, and the tiles flip back over._

**Luigi:** So both bottom corners are fire flowers. Time to link them together.

_He hits the tile he was just on, laughing from some sort of pain high, and limps to the bottom-left tile, flipping it over. To his surprise, not one rainbow but two join together, producing two coins._

**Luigi:** Two rainbows?

**Narrator:** Whoa...that's a full rainbow...

**Luigi:** Let's not go there, Mr. Narrator.

**Narrator:** _[starting to cry]_ What does this mean?

**Luigi:** I'm leaving now.

_Luigi turns and limps to the upper end of the field, aware he doesn't have a whole lot of time left. He hits the upper-right tile, flipping it to reveal a green Koopa shell. He flips over the top-center tile to unveil another green Koopa shell, luckily making a match in one try. With only three tiles left and knowing the center one is Bowser's face, Luigi connects the last two, unveiling the green mushrooms. Two coins appear as the timer enters the last five seconds._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** Get me out of here.

**Narrator:** It's so intense...

_The Memory Match scene fades, bringing Luigi back to the real world. The pain in his tailbone instantly fades. He exhales sharply, glad it's over._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Thank goodness that's over.

_The space turns yellow, allowing Luigi to move on. He sighs and walks to the next blue space, which is adjacent to a small field of wooden posts._

**Luigi:** Alright. I'm ready, Toad.

_The real world fades away to bring Luigi to the spirit realm of clouds and bubbles. Luigi crosses his arms and stares at the much shorter Spiritual Toad._

**Spiritual Toad:** Tailbone okay?

**Luigi:** Yeah. The pain faded when I left Memory Match.

_Spiritual Toad smiles evilly to himself for just a moment. Before Luigi can inquire, he continues._

**Spiritual Toad:** The name of this next mini-game is Ground Pound. Chances are you noticed the twelve wooden posts in the field outside.

**Luigi:** Uh-huh.

**Spiritual Toad:** Five are flat-topped and safe. But the other seven are fashioned into spikes, so avoid them.

**Luigi:** What do I do with the flat posts?

**Spiritual Toad:** Why, it's simple. You just..._[camera zooms in]_...hit them with your tailbone.

**Luigi:** What?! No! Bring me a hammer or something! That's how normal people drive things into the ground!

**Spiritual Toad:** You need to toughen your butt up. Mario doesn't squeal when he ground pounds in all his games.

**Luigi:** No, he just comes home and moans about it afterward. So if I hit all five flat posts, I win? What's the catch?

**Spiritual Toad:** You'll only get a brief glimpse of what posts are flat and which ones are sharp, so it requires a bit of memory. I guess you could also look at the posts to see which ones are shaped differently if you wanted to be cheap.

**Luigi:** Fine by me.

**Spiritual Toad:** After the first few seconds, a horde of evil butterflies seeking world domination will come in and cover up the tops of all the posts, so you can't look at each one for too long. Just memorize the good ones and pound them into the ground. Hence the name.

**Luigi:** Just give me a moment to gather my bearings. This isn't sounding good for my tailbone.

**Spiritual Toad:** Eh, that's fine. I'll just run a clip of a computer doing it so you know what you're up against.

_A cloud grows in front of them, swelling as an image flickers into view on it. Luigi sees the field of wooden posts and mentally marks the five which are flat. Standing in the middle of the field is a virtual Wario. He doesn't seem to notice as twelve huge butterflies fly in and cover the tops of the posts. The Female Voice announces the beginning of the mini-game. Wario runs to the nearest post, flips in the air, and slams down on it. A loud scream is heard as Luigi and Toad stare with wide eyes._

**Announcer:** Fatality.

**Spiritual Toad:** I'm...guessing this is an old video of the earlier beta testing. Let's get something a little more successful.

**Luigi:** Please.

_The cloud gets filled with static for a second, then projects the Ground Pound image again. The person in the field is still Wario, who is just as unfazed when the butterflies come in as last time. The mini-game starts, and Wario slams his butt into the nearest post. Luigi winces, but the post gets flattened straight into the ground, indicating it was one of the good posts. Wario runs to the next post and jumps over it, preparing for a ground pound. He hits the post and bounces off, holding his butt. The butterfly flaps away to reveal a sharpened point on the end of the post._

**Luigi:** Oh, so now we're not turning into giant shish kebabs. We just bounce off and hold our butts. That's a lot more comforting, actually.

_Wario goes to the next post and flattens it down, proving it was a good post. Luigi knows another flat-topped post is right next to it, but Wario takes off in the opposite direction, running across the field to a different post._

**Luigi:** No, wait, the - the good post was right next to you. Turn around, Wario. Turn around!

_Wario, unable to hear, hits another sharpened post and bounces off. He runs to the good post Luigi had pointed out and slams it into the ground. To Luigi's surprise, Wario heads for another post he knows is sharpened._

**Luigi:** No! Were you paying any attention at all?!

_Wario bounces off the post, holding his butt. Luigi slaps his forehead and draws his hand down his face._

**Luigi:** Oh, so now you're going for the good one. Is that it? You just alternate between good and bad?

_Wario hits the fourth good post as time starts wearing down. Expectedly, he turns around and heads off for yet another sharpened post._

**Luigi:** I'm sorry. Turn it off. This is painful. This is more painful than landing on one of those spikes. This is...this is psychological torture.

**Spiritual Toad:** Expect lots of it in Mario Party. _[turns the cloud off with a snap of his fingers]_ Well? Are you ready?

**Luigi:** Yes. Let me show people how it's supposed to be done.

_Shrugging, Spiritual Toad allows Luigi to enter the mini-game. Luigi opens his eyes to find himself in the same field. He looks around to familiarize himself with the good posts before the large butterflies come in and cover them._

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Luigi:** Let's see, we start here...

_Luigi systematically pounds the good posts into the ground one by one, trying to ignore the searing pain in his tailbone. In about ten seconds, the mini-game is cleared, and Luigi has not impaled himself once._

**Luigi:** Thank goodness. Maybe I can sleep peacefully tonight.

_Ground Pound fades away to place Luigi back in the real world._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** If they're all this easy, this shouldn't be too difficult. Just take a little pain in the coccyx, and... I dunno, maybe that IS the hard part.

_The space turns yellow, and Luigi moves on to the next space. He notices some colored arches sticking out of the ground nearby. Shuddering inwardly, he tells Spiritual Toad he is ready and is whisked away to the spirit realm once more._

**Luigi:** Before we start, tell me this mini-game doesn't involve slamming my tailbone into solid objects.

**Spiritual Toad:** Okay. This mini-game doesn't involve slamming my tailbone into solid objects.

**Luigi:** That's not funny, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** Alright, in all seriousness, it doesn't involve ground pounding. Your butt is safe for the rest of World 2. Except maybe Level 2-5, but that remains to be seen.

**Luigi:** That sounds ominous.

**Spiritual Toad:** Your face is ominous. So I trust you've noticed the arches in the field outside.

**Luigi:** I always notice, Toad. What do I do with them? Jump over them? I'm good at jumping. Do I fly a fighter ship through them all to unlock the secret boss?

**Spiritual Toad:** No, actually. Instead of over, you're going under. The name of this mini-game is Limbo Dance.

**Luigi:** That also sounds ominous.

**Spiritual Toad:** And my point still stands. The goal is simple; reach the end without hitting any of the arches. They'll get pretty low sometimes, so you have to be careful. And you can't walk or go back. You can only hop forward. Each time you hop, you'll bend farther back. Bend too far and you'll fall, in which case the mini-game comes screeching to a halt and you lose a life. Don't hop for a second and you'll start to straighten up, which could also end your streak if you go up too far.

**Luigi:** I'll be careful, then.

**Spiritual Toad:** A bunch of my brethren will be playing drums next to fires lit in the middle of the night. Don't worry, they're not going to sacrifice you. If you hear any loud noises like screams or whimpers, it's just your imagination. Or your wheezing when you can't bend back any farther.

**Luigi:** ...Ominous.

**Spiritual Toad:** I have strange in-laws, okay? Go and win.

_Luigi delves into the mini-game and reappears in a field at night. True to Spiritual Toad's word, a bunch of less important Toads are playing drums in a procession down each side of the field, forming two parallel lines with fires in between each Toad. At the other end of the path is a wooden goal post. Luigi swallows uncertainly as a Toad begins a high-pitched chant._

**Luigi:** This is why my chiropractor hates me.

_Luigi hops forward quickly, bending backwards slightly with each hop. He bends back enough to go under the first blue arch without hitting anything. His face starts to turn red._

**Luigi:** Spiritual awakening...this is all for spiritual awakening...

_The next arch is a yellow one, closer to the ground than the previous one. Luigi makes several more hops and just barely passes under it. His shoes make unnatural squeaking sounds as he nearly loses his balance. Sweat pouring down his face, he makes it under the next two yellow arches, still squeaking._

**Luigi:** Toad, reach into my shoe and pull Mickey Mouse out of there, would you?

_Distracted, Luigi hits the next arch - a low red one - and drops to his back. The top pole forming the rectangular arch rolls off its posts and hits Luigi on the bridge of the nose. He lies on his back and stares at the night sky in disbelief. The mini-game realm fades as Luigi reappears in the real world._

**Female Voice:** Miss!

**Luigi:** That is wrong and you know it! I didn't miss! That's why I failed!

**Female Voice:** It's just an expression.

**Luigi:** It's a stupid expression.

**Female Voice:** Look, I just work here.

**Luigi:** Whatever. Toad, let me back in.

_Luigi regains admittance to the spirit realm and comes face to face with Spiritual Toad. Spiritual Toad crosses his arms with amusement._

**Spiritual Toad:** Not as easy as it looks, is it?

**Luigi:** It doesn't look easy!

**Spiritual Toad:** It's all about timing. You have to know when to hop without going overboard and winding up on your back. If you can get the timing down, you'll have Limbo Dance beat.

**Luigi:** I'm one of the tallest partiers. This is hard for me.

**Spiritual Toad:** Trust me, it doesn't make a difference. You have several more lives, anyway.

_Still annoyed, Luigi returns to the mini-game world, his eyes readjusting to the sudden night. The Toad begins his high-pitched chant as all the other Toads play their drums to create a tribal beat. Luigi hops forward rapidly, ducking under the first two arches. He soon feels the strain again as he continues to bend farther backwards. A loud popping sound fills the air._

**Luigi:** Hoowee! That was my back! Oh, it hurts so good...

_Luigi's shoes squeak again. He just barely hops under the next arch, scraping his nose against the top and gaining himself a splinter there._

**Luigi:** I must not scream. I must not scream. If I scream, I'll just fall over.

_Luigi keeps hitting that blister with each arch he passes under, producing tears in his eyes. Unwilling to let himself fall, he concentrates on his timing and continues to hop along, staring at the sky. Ten seconds later, a large wooden arch passes his vision._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** Yes, my back is finished. ...I'm stuck. I'm stuck! Help!

_The mini-game realm fades and Luigi is placed back in the real world. He straightens up, feeling the pain in his back quickly fades away. He sighs in relief._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Let's not do that again. If I need more coins, I'll just go replay Coin Block Blitz or something. World 2 is not friendly to my spine.

_With over half of World 2 completed, Luigi continues to the World 2-4 space, where a giant orange mushroom surrounded by six smaller blue mushrooms sit. He enters the spirit realm and meets Spiritual Toad again._

**Luigi:** Is this mini-game going to kill any part of my body?

**Spiritual Toad:** Not directly.

**Luigi:** Dodging the question again, I see.

**Spiritual Toad:** The name of this mini-game is Musical Mushroom. It runs on a very simple premise. You and three others will jog in a big circle around all the mushrooms with music playing in the background. When the music stops, you'll have to dash to the orange mushroom in the middle and be the first to touch the treasure chest floating above. You can hit people to knock them away, so don't be too shy about using violence to get your point across.

**Luigi:** That sums up the strategy of most dictators in the world.

**Spiritual Toad:** Yeah, well it works here. The other players will be scrambling for the treasure chest as well, so don't be tardy. There's not a whole lot else I can say about this. The rest you should be able to learn from experience.

**Luigi:** Then let's get to it already.

**Spiritual Toad:** Fine by me.

**Luigi:** Fine.

**Spiritual Toad:** Alright.

**Luigi:** Let's do it.

**Spiritual Toad:** In you go.

_The spirit realm fades, and Luigi is transported to the field. Conveniently, it's daytime again. Scattered at the four compass directions of the field are Peach, Donkey Kong, and Yoshi. Luigi slaps his hands together and waits for the music to begin._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi starts to go forward but stops when he realizes no music is playing. None of the computer opponents move, either, though he notices they look around in curiosity. Luigi taps his feet on the ground expectantly._

**Sound Guy:** Oh, crap. Hang on a second. Which file was it under...?

_Luigi smiles and closes his eyes but still taps his feet. When he opens his eyes, he can't help but sense Yoshi glaring at him from behind. He waves at him awkwardly and turns back around. Two daggers embed themselves into a tree trunk to his right. Luigi stares at them strangely, then turns back to Yoshi to compare their locations. He realizes the daggers must have come from his eyes._

**Luigi:** Was it something I said?

**Yoshi:** Bum meep po. [No, it was many things you've done.]

**Sound Guy:** Okay, we're good!

_Some happy-go-lucky music plays, prompting everyone to start jogging in a circle around the mushrooms. Luigi makes sure to stay out of Yoshi's basic line of sight. He glances at the floating treasure chest every now and then. A few seconds later, the music stops. Everyone takes off for the center mushroom. Donkey Kong reaches it first and splats into the side, shaking it and producing tremors through the ground. Luigi dodges around a blue mushroom and hops on top, coming face-to-face with Peach. He grabs her and throws her away like a toy, then jumps up and reaches out for the treasure chest. His finger is inches away from it when something slams into him and pins him to the edge of the mushroom._

**Luigi:** Not this again.

**Yoshi:** Erm yup huppo. [It is indeed this again.]

**Luigi:** We're not doing this.

_Luigi kicks Yoshi off and stands up, prepared for another assault. Instead, he leans back and raises his foot._

**Luigi:** This...is...MUSHROOM!

**Yoshi:** Mum yap rawr? [What does that have to do with anything?]

_Luigi kicks Yoshi off the giant mushroom in slow motion, then looks up and jumps into the air, touching the treasure chest with his hand. Yoshi hits the ground headfirst, sticking straight up in the air. The treasure chest opens up, releasing a line of ten coins. Luigi spreads his arms and closes his eyes, welcoming the money. The line circles in the air for a moment and shoots into his chest, knocking him off the mushroom. He wheezes on the ground as the mini-game realm fades away and he finds himself in the real world again._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Gold is heavy. It's coming back to me now.

_Luigi stands up and tiredly walks to the final space in World 2. Beside the space is a skateboard and a Piranha Plant. Already deciding the two don't go well together, Luigi enters the spirit realm and meets Spiritual Toad._

**Spiritual Toad:** Final mini-game of the world, eh?

**Luigi:** I guess so. What in the world does the Piranha Plant have to do with anything?

**Spiritual Toad:** It does exactly what it's best at. _[camera zooms in dramatically again]_ It eats people.

**Luigi:** ...But not me, right?

**Spiritual Toad:** Especially you. This game is called Piranha's Pursuit. It's a 1 vs. 3 mini-game where you race to the finish in a jungle. Your three opponents will be floating above safely on a cloud, and -

**Luigi:** Nimbus!

**Spiritual Toad:** What?

**Luigi:** It's Nimbus!

**Spiritual Toad:** What does that bring our Dragon Ball Reference Counter up to, two?

**Luigi:** Something like that. Did you know every Lakitu has his own Nimbus?

**Spiritual Toad:** I was aware. Your opponents in the cloud will ground pound it as fast as they can to deluge water onto a small Piranha Plant, which will gradually turn into a big Piranha Plant and come to remove the hair from your body in one smooth motion.

**Luigi:** Not to kill me?

**Spiritual Toad:** No, THEN it'll kill you. Likes its prey without the fuzz.

**Luigi:** Please tell me the skateboard is used to clobber it to death.

**Spiritual Toad:** As epic as that would be, no, you're going to use it to skate to the finish. Along the way, you'll have to jump over boulders and fallen logs, and if you're feeling heroic, you can grab onto a low-hanging vine and swing a fair ways ahead.

**Luigi:** What... Why does it have to be a skateboard?

**Spiritual Toad:** What's wrong with it?

**Luigi:** If I was being chased by some demonic plant in real life, I don't think I would use a skateboard to get away from it. Without being Tony Hawk in a perfect world, it would probably just be faster to run. Why can't I use a motorcycle, or a horse? Bicycle? Tricycle? Segway PT?

**Spiritual Toad:** It's part of the challenge. You can go fast enough to outrun the Piranha Plant, I guarantee you. Any other questions?

**Luigi:** No, I'll just start skating from a man-eating plant now.

**Spiritual Toad:** Send me a postcard.

_Luigi enters the mini-game realm and winds up in a jungle with a skateboard under his foot. He looks around the jungle, expecting the Piranha Plant to come flying out at any minute. The Predator theme begins to play as a cloud with Yoshi, Peach, and Wario descends from above. On hearing a strange sound behind him, Luigi turns around and see a small Piranha Plant squirming out from the soil. Rain begins to fall._

**Luigi:** Someone bring me my Roundup.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi skates forward like his life depends on it - in the real world, it would. He turns his cap backwards in true skater fashion and jumps over the first boulder, grateful for all the skating he did in his youth. Water pours onto the Piranha Plant from the cloud, increasing its size. Concerned about the Piranha Plant behind him, Luigi looks back and stumbles over the next fallen log, nearly getting eaten by the plant in the process._

**Luigi:** Look, some midget covered in steak sauce!

_The Piranha Plant looks where Luigi points, giving the plumber just enough time to escape. He jumps over the next few obstacles while the Piranha Plant grows bigger behind him, snapping at his heels. Heart pounding in his chest, Luigi looks up and sees a welcome sight. The Predator theme stops playing and the Indiana Jones theme starts._

**Luigi:** Sorry! Go find your own dinner! I've got plans somewhere else!

_Luigi jumps up and grabs the vine. It supports him for a bit before it snaps off and he goes flying forward. The Indiana Jones theme deepens and slows to a halt._

**Luigi:** I was certain this sort of thing only happened to Mario.

_The Piranha Plant, now towering over Luigi, leans back and laughs at him, pointing at his head. Luigi purses his lips and furrows his brow in frustration. A whooshing sound is heard as a particularly large tree limb that supported the vine falls onto the Piranha Plant's head, dazing it and getting stuck around its neck._

**Luigi:** Yeah, that's what I thought.

_Luigi turns back around and skates off quickly, tripping over the next fallen log._

**Wario:** Yeah, that's what I thought.

**Luigi:** Shut it, Wario. You're not the one close to the finish!

_The Piranha Plant tears the tree limb off and chases after Luigi again, roaring in anger. Terrified, Luigi skates with all his might, wishing Spiritual Toad had given him ANYTHING better to go off of._

**Luigi:** Do me a favor and make him bigger so he won't fit through the goal post!

_Several seconds later, Luigi skates through the goal post, losing his balance and falling off. The skateboard tumbles deeper into the jungle, never to be seen again. The Piranha Plant gives one final leap and rams its neck into the goal post, opening its mouth in surprise and plummeting backwards. Each opponent on Nimbus/the cloud throws five coins to Luigi, who tries to catch them all without going unconscious. When he collects them all, he warps out of the Piranha's Pursuit realm and reappears in the real world._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Thank goodness that's over. That was actually one of the most horrifying things I've seen since arriving at the island.

_Luigi begins walking to the Save Space up ahead, then slows and thinks._

**Luigi:** Those computerized opponents definitely seemed different than the ones in the first world. They seemed smarter somehow. I guess it's only natural they'd pick up in difficulty. At least Wario's not a brainless robot now. Well, the latter is true, anyway. Yoshi in particular seems to carry over a hatred of me. What did I do? Besides ruin his face and humiliate him in front of a pretty girl? Hmm...

**Narrator:** And so Luigi completed World 2, pondering his next course of action on this perilous island. See? I started with "and so." What'd I tell you? World 3 introduces a change in scenery and a step up from the simple mini-games Luigi's experienced so far. Can he really beat Mini-Game Island in a day? And who is the shadowy figure controlling the island from behind the scenes? Stay tuned for more Mario Parody: Luigi vs. Mini-Game Island!

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: There will be no update next week, as my laptop and I will be parted for vacation. However, rest assured Luigi will return to conquer World 3, and the rest of the island for that matter.

Website: Game Poll

Blog: Game Poll Haven

More information in profile.


	4. Jackhammer Time

**Koopa:** How's it going, Luigi? Are you sure you don't want to take a breather?

**Luigi:** I've got the juices flowing now. If I stop, I probably won't want to move again. So what do I have to look forward to this time? Does any of it involve Piranha Plants?

**Koopa:** Um..._[checks a card from his pocket]_...no, I don't believe they do. I mean, it'll still probably leave you crying in a padded room years from now, but...

**Luigi:** Eh, you underestimate me, Koopa. I've taken on people whose faces would have had Rambo in tears, and I've walked away with cheeks dry.

**Koopa:** That being the case, you have a bit of a decision to make.

**Luigi:** Yeah?

**Koopa:** North of here is World 5, but you can actually do that next instead of World 3 if you want. Of course, you need to beat all the mini-games anyway, so it's not like the shortcut will help you in the long-run.

**Luigi:** Is World 5 out in the middle of the water like I think it is?

**Koopa:** Yup.

**Luigi:** Eh, I'm gonna stay dry a little while longer. I'll take on each world in sequential order, so I'll do 3, then 4, and then 5. Might as well not make things confusing.

**Koopa:** Well, take care no matter what you choose.

_Luigi marches on from the Save Space and takes a look at the scenery. Instead of green grass, he walks on soft sand. He slowly smiles._

**Luigi:** Well. Finally a change of scenery.

_A beeping construction vehicle passes in front of him, spraying sand all over the place. Luigi's smile falls. The vehicle circles around a spot in the sand, filling the air with loud beeping and drilling sounds. Luigi claps his hands over his ears._

**Luigi:** How long is this supposed to go on for?

**Construction Guy:** Oh, the next three to four...

**Luigi:** Weeks?

**Construction Guy:** Decades, I'm thinking.

**Luigi:** What's the point of mulching up the place if it's going to be left a crater for the next...? Alright, that's it. _[steps onto the next blue space]_ Toad, let me in. I'll fix this place up.

_Luigi disappears and winds up in the spiritual realm to find Spiritual Toad turned away from him, kneeling on the ground and moving some toys in front of him._

**Spiritual Toad:** "I will end your reign of terror, Lord Evil!" "No, you will not, because you are a unicorn and unicorns are dumb!" "That's coming from the one tromping around Metropolis in his bright purple pajamas? No wonder your minions can't hit me! I just learned how to fight yesterday, and I'm still pwning your army!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah! UNICORN SUPLEX!" _[slams the toys together repeatedly]_ PEW! POW! BLAM!

**Luigi:** Toad?

_Spiritual Toad jumps and tosses the toys into the air, whirling around in terror. He focuses on Luigi and slowly tries to calm himself. The unicorn toy lands on the edge of Luigi's hat._

**Spiritual Toad:** Luigi?

**Luigi:** Yeah. What were you doing?

**Spiritual Toad:** Just, uh, just...planning my next strategy.

**Luigi:** With unicorns and Lord Evil?

**Spiritual Toad:** No.

_Luigi tries to ignore the unicorn toy dangling from his hat._

**Luigi:** It's cool, Toad. I still have my Barbie collection at home.

**Spiritual Toad:** Really? Could I... _[Spiritual Toad clears his throat and shakes his head]_ Anyway, welcome to the next mini-game, Crazy Cutter. Seeing as you're standing in front of me with all your limbs intact, I trust the moving props in the real world didn't destroy you.

**Luigi:** I'm still here.

**Spiritual Toad:** Good, because the guy who ran the hot dog stand wandered around on break and basically got himself destroyed faster than a robot in a Michael Bay movie. Terrible incident.

**Luigi:** I thought it was a contract dispute with World 8.

**Spiritual Toad:** It was. He thought the hospital bill was an order from a customer and told the nurses to prepare three Chicago-style hot dogs for "Jimmy Fo'rizzle." He was a little confused. _[wanders deep into thought]_ That happens when your head goes from being shaped like a melon to shaped like a dumbbell.

**Luigi:** Ouch.

**Spiritual Toad:** Yeah, horrible mess. The point of Crazy Cutter is to take a jackhammer and cut out a giant fossilized creature from underground. The more accurate you are, the higher the points you'll receive when everybody finishes. You'll win this mini-game by finishing with a score of 80 or higher.

**Luigi:** Good deal. When do I start?

**Spiritual Toad:** Now, I suppose. Bon voyage.

_Luigi starts to fade into the mini-game._

**Spiritual Toad:** Wait, let me have - Ah, too late. That was my last unicorn.

_The world reappears to show a near-endless scape of parched dirt. Laid out in a 2x2 grid are four impressions of Boo on the ground. Yoshi, Peach, and Donkey Kong stand next to their respective impressions, balancing their jackhammers with one hand. Luigi turns to look at his own jackhammer and stands it up._

**Luigi:** Good heavens, somebody screwed up.

_The jackhammer dwarfs Luigi by about a good foot or so. He stares up at it, wide-eyed._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi takes a deep breath and jumps onto the jackhammer. It activates for a moment before slowly toppling over and planting Luigi face-first into the dirt. The vibrating of the jackhammer makes Luigi create what can only be called a Face Angel in the soil._

**Peach:** Need a little hand there, Luigi?

**Yoshi:** Rup yam muppo? [How does that dirt taste, string bean boy?]

**Luigi:** _[voice muffled through the dirt]_ I'm fine. Just give me a moment.

_Luigi pulls his face out, shakes his head to knock the soil off, and jumps onto his jackhammer, legs dangling off the ground. After a few near falls, Luigi gets the hang of balancing the oversized jackhammer and steers it forward, cutting out the edges of the Boo imprint. He carefully makes his way around the imprint, looking down and seeing little more than a jumping mass of lines. Hearing another humming sound, Luigi turns and sees a completely unaware Donkey Kong following close on his tail, etching a line away from his Boo and toward Luigi's._

**Luigi:** DK, wake up! You're leaving your own Boo! You're going to mess things up! _[starts blowing at Donkey Kong frantically]_ I've got like a perfect run here! You're going to just cut through the center!

_Luigi comes close enough to Donkey Kong to reach out with his dangling foot and gently kick the ape's jackhammer away, sending it off in another direction. Luigi exhales in relief and focuses on completing his Boo. A few seconds later, Donkey Kong drives into a group of barrels, generating a massive explosion that nearly flings Luigi from his jackhammer and bathes the landscape in fiery light. Wide-eyed, Luigi tries his best to ignore the event and finish his Boo. A few seconds later, he comes to the end. His jackhammer mysteriously vanishes beneath him, spreading him over the dirt._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

_Luigi stands up shakily, quaking from head to toe. He takes a few experimental steps, his head bouncing up and down involuntarily._

**Peach:** You okay over there, Luigi?

**Luigi:** I'm fine! Will the three of you princesses shut up -

_Luigi is interrupted as a dazed Donkey Kong accidentally runs sideways to keep his balance and crashes into him, pinning him into the ground. All the air in Luigi's lungs whooshes out in a split second._

**Luigi:** I'd always wanted to know what it was like to die without actually dying...so this is it...

_A number appears over each carved-out Boo. Luigi cranes his head back to see it. The number over his Boo is 86. It is 95 over Peach's, 79 over Yoshi's, and 0 over Donkey Kong's. With a last bit of strength, Luigi hurls Donkey Kong off him and gets to his feet, coughing. Cracks appear by the Boos of Luigi and Peach, prompting them to step away from their work. A second later, two giant Boos burst from the ground and fly into the air._

**Luigi:** Well, at least it's a passing grade. _[turns to Yoshi]_ How about it, Yoshi? How's it feel to be the only one who failed besides the narcoleptic monkey?

**Yoshi:** Erm bum yup meep huppo rawr. [It feels like your neck will be coincidentally snapped in your sleep within the next twenty-four hours.]

**Luigi:** You're sorry you ever messed with me? Oh, good to hear.

**Yoshi:** Gum lup meepo bung. [And he is an ape, not a monkey, you unworthy ignoramus.]

_Luigi hears horrified screams coming from across the horizon and realizes the Boos are terrorizing some virtual populace. He glances at the Boo-shaped hole next to him, wondering what he's done._

**Citizen 1:** Run! Run for your lives!

**Citizen 2:** The ghosts have returned!

**Citizen 3:** We must summon Mothra!

_The citizens begin a steady chant of "Mothra." In the distance, Luigi sees the huge butterflies from Ground Pound fly in, smoking cigarettes, wielding chains, and otherwise looking tough._

**Luigi:** I should've known they were related.

**Butterfly 1:** We gonna rearrange your faces so Picasso don't recognize you, punks!

**Butterfly 6:** We the descendents of Mothra's daughter's sister's cousin's ex-boyfriend's janitor! We tough, man!

**Luigi:** I have to leave before this gets any weirder. Toad, let me out of here.

**Citizen 409:** Look! It's the army of the Shy Guys from Paddle Battle! Now we must summon Bowzilla!

**Citizen 84:** But it is too dangerous too summon Bowzilla! He might kidnap our princesses!

**Luigi:** TOAD...

_Luigi vanishes from the Crazy Cutter mini-game and reappears in the real world. He shakes his head to gather his thoughts._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Yeah-hah!

**Female Voice:** Hey, why don't you have a victory pose or something?

**Luigi:** What? Why?

**Female Voice:** Because everybody does a victory pose after winning something. You need a victory pose.

**Luigi:** What if I just take this hand..._[holds out his left hand and grabs his wrist with his right]_...and slap anyone who thinks I need some goofy winning stance?

**Female Voice:** That'll work.

**Luigi:** Huh?

_Before he can react, something bright flashes in his vision, causing him to shield his eyes._

**Luigi:** What was that all about?

**Female Voice:** I recorded your posture. Now everyone will see you holding your left hand every time you win a mini-game.

**Luigi:** The intention was to slap someone with it, not offer my hand for shaking.

**Female Voice:** Kinda looks like you might be holding your hand like a gun, actually. Maybe we should go with that.

**Luigi:** Great, so first I shoot them, THEN I slap them.

**Female Voice:** You know what? Go do the next mini-game.

**Luigi:** Fine by me.

_Luigi walks to the next blue space, which is beside a big dome made of sand. Impressed with the relative safety of Crazy Cutter compared to the insanity of the previous mini-games, Luigi tells Spiritual Toad he is ready and is taken to the spiritual realm._

**Luigi:** What have I got to look forward to this time, Toad?

**Spiritual Toad:** I think you'll like this one. It's called Buried Treasure. Basically, you dig through the dirt until you find the treasure chest. If you're the first to locate it, you win.

**Luigi:** Sounds kind of iffy.

**Spiritual Toad:** It is, a little bit, but there's help along the way. You can uncover signs in the dirt that point you in the right direction, so even though the chest's location is randomized, you should stumble across it pretty quickly if you're a fast digger.

**Luigi:** That's it?

**Spiritual Toad:** That's it. Now make like Anna Nicole Smith and find some treasure.

**Luigi:** Make like...Anna Nicole Smith...?

**Spiritual Toad:** Gold digger?

**Luigi:** Ah. Send me in.

_Luigi leaves the spirit realm and appears, once again, in an endless landscape of brown dirt._

**Luigi:** I'm starting to miss the green of the first two worlds.

**Wario:** I'm not! Do you know what all this boring dirt means?

**Luigi:** Perfect reproductive grounds for earthworms?

**Peach:** Gross.

**Luigi:** Exactly.

**Wario:** Dirt means ideal places for treasure! Treasure means I get rich! GETTING REACH MEANS -

_Wario is stopped cold by a hard ball of dirt thrown in his face. Donkey Kong beats his chest joyously._

**Peach:** Thank you, Donkey Kong.

**Luigi:** That was more like the Wario I've always known. Why couldn't he stay the robotic troll he was previously?

**Wario:** Perhaps I can sell this dirt for money!

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi dives into the ground, pushing dirt out of the way as fast as he can. Wario plunges in face-first like a worm and eats the dirt ravenously, resembling some monster from a horror B-movie. Donkey Kong starts digging a hole straight down, quickly disappearing. Peach hesitantly gets on her knees and scoops dirt aside._

**Luigi:** Toad said there would be some signs pointing me in the right direction. If I find one of those soon, I'll be a step ahead. _[hand bumps into something]_ Hey, what's this?

_Luigi grabs a solid object in the dirt and pulls it toward him. It turns out to be a human leg covered in dress pants and a shoe. Luigi pulls the rest of it out and stares at the body._

**Luigi:** Is this Jimmy Hoffa?

_He hears a loud mulching sound approaching him and looks up, coming face-to-face with Wario chomping down mouthfuls of dirt. Luigi rolls out of the way just in time and places his hand over his heart, praying it doesn't burst._

**Luigi:** I have never wanted to know what Wario's tonsils looked like, but I think I just figured it out.

_Luigi notices something white in the corner of his eye and scrubs the dirt away from it. When he sees a red arrow, he knows it's one of the signs Spiritual Toad told him about. He follows its direction, frantically plowing dirt out of his way and hoping he doesn't bump into Wario again._

**Peach:** I see that, Luigi!

**Luigi:** Nonsense. I'm looking for a contact lens.

**Peach:** _[striking a sarcastic pose]_ You wear contacts?

**Luigi:** Sure. Now go in the opposite direction.

_Peach uncovers another sign pointing to a big gray rock to Luigi's left. They stare first at the sign, then at the rock in synchronization. Luigi kicks a wave of dirt at Peach and scrambles toward the rock. To his right, Wario eats his way through the soil and crashes into the rock with his face. Although his face resembles that of a pug's, Wario's teeth are all intact and he proceeds to slowly eat his way through the rock. Grateful for his last-minute invitation to the Super Smash Bros., Luigi pounds through the rock with his fists, chipping it away bit by bit. Peach approaches the boulder and starts doing the same thing. This continues for a few seconds until Luigi's hand hits something dark brown and hard. With three players nearing the chest, the digging turns desperate. Luigi places one hand on Wario's forehead and beats his way through the rock with the other. At the last moment, he uncovers all of the treasure chest, causing it to open up and release a line of golden coins. He prepares for the impact of ten solid coins, grimacing as they fly into his back._

**Luigi:** So worth it.

**Peach:** Curse you, Luigi.

**Luigi:** Where's Donkey Kong?

**Peach:** At his current rate...probably getting close to the Earth's mantle.

**Luigi:** Cool beans. See you around, princess.

**Peach:** I swear I'll win the next one!

_The Buried Treasure world fades into white, and the pain in Luigi's back eases. He reappears in the real world, pleasantly finding the space he's standing on yellow._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

_Luigi stands there silently._

**Female Voice:** Are you going to do it?

**Luigi:** Do what?

**Female Voice:** The victory pose. Or do I have to roll an obligatory clip of you holding your hand out?

**Luigi:** Roll the obligatory clip. I'm lazy.

_Luigi stretches while a picture of himself holding his hand out animates and plays through. After gaining an extra life and some money, he moves onto the next blue space and announces his readiness. He appears in the spirit realm a second later._

**Spiritual Toad:** Not feeling tired yet?

**Luigi:** Physically, no. But I can swear I feel my sanity unraveling.

**Spiritual Toad:** That's why it's recommended you take a rest every now and then, Luigi. Putting yourself through all these tests in less than a day has a tendency to drive people nuts. So this next mini-game is called Desert Dash, and...wait for it...

_Luigi hears screaming from somewhere far away. The voice gets louder until a red and blue figure splats into the "ground" beside Luigi. He jumps in shock and steps back._

**Spiritual Toad:** This is your first 2-on-2 mini-game. You'll be working with your portly brother here.

**Mario:** _[standing up and looking around]_ What...what is this place?! It killed me! The shrimp innards killed me!

**Luigi:** They didn't kill you, Mario. You're in some sort of spiritual plane.

**Mario:** I didn't know enlightenment came with its own air travel.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's a realm created specifically for Mini-Game Island, Mario. You can learn about the mini-games here without any real physical effects.

**Mario:** So it's like a Hyperbolic Time Chamber in Mario Party.

**Spiritual Toad:** ...Yes.

**Mario:** Suddenly I like this game a lot more.

**Luigi:** Would you believe he's adopted?

**Spiritual Toad:** Is he?

**Mario:** No.

**Luigi:** Doesn't mean we can't believe it sometimes.

**Spiritual Toad:** As I was explaining to Luigi, Mario -

**Luigi:** For the last time, my full name is NOT Luigi Mario! That's just some gimmick the movie cooked up about us! Are you going to believe everything ELSE that movie made up about us, too?!

**Spiritual Toad:** Relax, Luigi. I meant I was talking to you first, and now I'm going to repeat myself to Mario.

**Luigi:** Oh. Sorry. I have to put up with that a lot.

**Spiritual Toad:** Anyway, Mario, this mini-game is called Desert Dash. You'll have to work in tandem with Luigi to reach the finish line before your opponents do. You and Luigi will have boards strapped to each foot, and you'll share the boards on the left and right sides with each other. Synchronization is key here. You must move your right foot when your brother moves his, and your left foot the same way. Try to move at individual paces, and you'll just trip and fall.

**Mario:** Well that's no fun. I like games I can apply my laser tag strategy to.

**Luigi:** With reversed roles?

**Mario:** Why don't YOU take a zillion lasers to the eyeball and see how YOU like it?

**Spiritual Toad:** Are you guys ready or not?

**Luigi:** Yeah. Come on, Mario.

**Mario:** I got it.

_They vanish from the spirit realm and find themselves in the desert once again. Mario whips around, stupefied at the sudden change in scenery. The sun is setting on the horizon, slightly obscured by a couple of intimidating Thwomps ahead. Luigi looks to his right and sees Peach and Yoshi strapping themselves onto a couple of boards._

**Luigi:** Okay, let's do it, Mario.

**Mario:** Where's civilization?

**Luigi:** There isn't any. This is another artificial realm conjured up by the owner of Mini-Game Island.

**Mario:** So how do we get out?

**Luigi:** We win. Or lose. Either way, we'll leave in less than sixty seconds, but we'll have to cooperate.

**Mario:** Alright, I got this. _[straps his feet onto the boards]_ Slow but steady wins the race, right?

**Luigi:** Fast but steady would be even better.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_The same Toad from Limbo Dance starts up another high-pitched tribal chant from out of view. Shudders run down Luigi's spine from bad memories, but he forces himself to stay focused._

**Luigi:** Let's start right.

**Mario:** - Left. Wait, what?

**Luigi:** Right. Let's start on the right.

**Mario:** Fine.

_They move their boards along awkwardly, shuffling forward at a slow pace. To Luigi's dismay, Peach and Yoshi are already ahead of them._

**Luigi:** Left...right...left...right...

**Peach:** Right...left...right...right...up...down...freestyle...

_Luigi, distracted by Peach, stumbles a bit, nearly falling over._

**Luigi:** Peach, shut up!

**Mario:** Just ignore her. Focus on the boards under your feet. I'll write her a stern letter when we get back to civilization.

**Luigi:** She's not real, Mario. She's just a representation in the virtual world.

**Mario:** _[brightening up suddenly]_ Oh, she's not real, huh? HEY PEACH! NEXT TIME, I CHOOSE THE FREAKING VACATION!

**Peach:** The only vacation you'll need is one from work after you break into gravel!

**Luigi:** Focus, Mario. They're too far ahead of us already.

**Mario:** Sorry. I've wanted to say that for awhile.

_Mario and Luigi shuffle along at a faster pace, trying to stay in synch. Yoshi turns to them and spits his tongue out, creating the world's most disgusting-sounding "PBTHBTHBTH". Mario instinctively pulls his hat down to block the spit. Luigi isn't so lucky and wipes some of the saliva from his face._

**Mario:** I hate to say it, but I think they've got this one.

**Luigi:** Isn't there a way we can move faster?

**Peach:** Too late now, little men. We're almost to the -

_Peach is cut off as the Thwomp slams down on her and Yoshi, generating a loud, resounding crunch. Mario and Luigi recoil for a moment, then seize the moment and shuffle forward._

**Luigi:** Go go go go go!

**Mario:** Mind the Thwomp! Mind the Thwomp!

_The Thwomp on their side of the desert crashes down in front of them, close enough for Luigi to bump his nose into it. It goes back up slowly, creating a squeaking sound as it rubs Luigi's nose. When they have enough space, they go forward again. Luigi notices Peach and Yoshi inflating back to their original sizes, the boards somehow intact._

**Mario:** What was that about me breaking into gravel?

**Luigi:** Just focus on moving forward, Mario!

**Peach:** Get back here!

**Yoshi:** Gurm yup huppo mawr. [Prepare yourselves for another Wet Raspberry of Doom, fiends.]

_The finish line is mere feet away now. With a last effort, Luigi's foot goes over the line._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** That was nerve-wracking.

**Mario:** Hey, why's everything going all white? Somebody hit the Reset button!

**Luigi:** No, we're just leaving the virtual world. I guess I'll see you -

_Luigi reappears in the real world, but Mario is nowhere to be found._

**Luigi:** ...Later.

**Female Voice:** Clear!

_Female Voice runs the clip of Luigi holding his hand out and yelling "Yeah-hah!" Luigi yawns and ignores it. Glad to still be in one piece, Luigi moves onto the next blue space, noticing a nearby chasm. He cautiously peers over and sees a giant Piranha Plant below. His heart sinking, he makes the decision to vanish into the spirit realm and stares at Spiritual Toad._

**Luigi:** Piranha Plants!

**Spiritual Toad:** Yes.

**Luigi:** There's another freaking Piranha Plant!

**Spiritual Toad:** Tough luck, huh? Well, I've got another piece of news that might brighten your day. Here, take this big rope.

**Luigi:** Uh, okay. _[grabs a thick rope as it falls from the air]_ I don't see what's so wrong about - _[sees something sticking out of the rope]_ Oh, no. No, no, not this soon. It can't happen this quickly again!

**Spiritual Toad:** Put it this way, Luigi. By the time you're finished with Mini-Game Island, your palms will be diamonds.

**Luigi:** Another control stick rotation mini-game! Noooo!

**Spiritual Toad:** Oh yeah, one more thing.

_Spiritual Toad snaps his fingers. In an eye-blink, Luigi is suddenly in a big Bowser suit, standing higher off the ground than normal._

**Spiritual Toad:** You're going to pretend to be Bowser on this one.

**Luigi:** So I drill a hole through my hand while wearing an ugly Bowser costume and fearing for a giant Piranha Plant below me. Any more good news?

**Spiritual Toad:** Eh, that's about the end of it. This mini-game is calld Tug 'o War. You'll never guess what you're supposed to do in it.

**Luigi:** I pull people into the mouth of a giant Piranha Plant? That's cruel!

**Spiritual Toad:** It's you or them, Luigi. You're gonna pull on the rope and rotate the control stick as fast and hard as you can. Three opponents will be on the other side of the chasm, trying to pull you over the edge. The Bowser suit gives you enhanced strength, so be grateful for it.

**Luigi:** What happened to the steroids from Paddle Battle?

**Spiritual Toad:** Janitor thought they were Tylenol, now he's vying for the championship title in the UFC. So we've got the next best thing.

**Luigi:** Yeah, but why Bowser?

**Spiritual Toad:** I don't make the rules, Luigi. I only break them.

**Luigi:** That your life's creed?

**Spiritual Toad:** In a nutshell. I don't think there's anything more to say on this one. Just pull your hardest and never mind the searing pain in your hand.

**Luigi:** Fine. I was hoping to be done with all this for awhile.

**Spiritual Toad:** We can't have it all.

_Luigi fades from the spirit realm and finds himself on a bigger version of the desert chasm he saw in the real world. The sun is still setting off to Luigi's left. Wario, Donkey Kong, and Yoshi are holding onto the rope on the other side of the chasm. Wario gives the rope a couple of yanks eagerly._

**Luigi:** At least this pain is temporary.

**Giant Piranha Plant:** Feed me, Seymour!

**Luigi:** Aaand I'm about to lose it.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi pulls back on the rope and rotates the control stick with the palm of his hand, straining his muscles and feeling the stick already burning through the hands of his Bowser suit. The three on the other side of the chasm lean back and pull with all their might, evenly matching Luigi. A little pain on Luigi's hand tells him the Bowser suit already has a hole in it._

**Wario:** Fall!

**Luigi:** You first!

**Wario:** Don't wanna!

**Luigi:** Too bad!

_Luigi gets pulled toward the chasm for a second, then increases his efforts and manages to take a few steps back. This process continues for about ten seconds as both sides sweat profusely and grimace at the strain._

**Luigi:** Fall already!

**Wario:** If I fall, I don't know if I can get back up!

**Luigi:** Look, I saw some coins in the Piranha Plant's mouth. Chances are you can steal a few before you get swallowed.

**Wario:** _[straightening up]_ Really?

_The distraction allows Luigi to pull the three of them right to the edge of the chasm. Wario catches himself and pulls back, the toes of his shoes poking out over the ledge. The Piranha Plant gurgles expectantly._

**Luigi:** I don't want to keep you from your date, so...

_With a final yank, Luigi sends them tumbling over the edge. They scream, almost falling into the Piranha Plant's open jaws, but they hang onto each other as Donkey Kong grabs the ledge, fighting to keep themselves up. Luigi walks to the edge, rope in hand._

**Luigi:** Get off my plain!

_Luigi whips Donkey Kong's hand with the rope. The ape lets go, and the three fall into the mouth of the Piranha Plant. Its jaws close over them, silencing their screams. It belches, then spits fifteen coins up at Luigi. He catches them all before they hit him in the head._

**Luigi:** Get it? "Plain"? Like a field?

**Female Voice:** Finish!

_Luigi throws his head back and laughs hysterically at his own joke. This continues until he disappears from the Tug 'o War world and appears on the now-yellow space of the real world._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** No Bowser suit, hand feels better...and only one mini-game left before the end of World 3. Things are looking up!

_Luigi walks confidently to the final space of the world, set before a dominating dark gray stone entrance. He concludes it must be the entrance to World 4._

**Luigi:** Can you say "intimidating"?

**Construction Guy:** Intimidadida...inmitidilating...itanidil -

**Luigi:** Alright, don't give yourself a stroke. Toad, send me in.

_Luigi fades from the real world and warps to the spirit realm of clouds once more. He stretches, waiting to hear Spiritual Toad's next tidbit._

**Spiritual Toad:** You're just blazing through the mini-games, aren't you?

**Luigi:** Yeah. Seems like the virtual opponents are getting more in line with their real selves. Except for Yoshi. Guy creeps me out.

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, I think you'll be pleased to know there are no real gimmicks to this next mini-game. It's called Teetering Towers. All you have to do is jump from one tower to the next until you reach the floating island at the end. You did a lot of jumping way back in the day, didn't you?

**Luigi:** Yeah, and a lot of skating, too.

**Spiritual Toad:** Didn't know you went to ice levels so much.

**Luigi:** I didn't.

**Spiritual Toad:** Anyway, that's not the only thing you need to watch out for.

**Luigi:** Of course.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's called "Teetering Towers" because the towers will start to fall when you land on them. You need to stand on one end of the tower to make it fall in that direction, then hop to the next one before you tumble down a bottomless pit. Go too early or too late, and gravity will take its course.

**Luigi:** Gotcha.

**Spiritual Toad:** Some towers have coins or sacks floating above them, so you may want to head in their direction to nab a little extra cash. It'll add onto your total coin count.

**Luigi:** Sounds reasonable. I'm ready to go.

**Spiritual Toad:** Alright. Not quite as easy as it sounds, I'll tell you that.

_Spiritual Toad sends Luigi into the mini-game world. When his vision returns, he notices the whole area is dark in contrast to the sunset he saw in the past couple of mini-games. He looks down as the brick tower he's standing on starts to shake, then runs to the front edge and jumps off as the tower starts to fall in that direction._

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Luigi:** Cheap move!

_The tower rumbles again, prompting Luigi to quickly go to the upper-right corner. He begins to slide off as the tower tilts. Remembering Spiritual Toad's words, Luigi just barely makes it to the next tower._

**Luigi:** Suddenly my jumping has gone down the toilet. At least I'm not skating around. That would be terror.

_Luigi awkwardly shifts the tower to the next one and hops off, almost falling down the pit in the process. He tries to stabilize his heartbeat as his foot almost slips off._

**Luigi:** Where the heck is solid ground?

_Luigi navigates to the next tower, then glances behind him._

**Luigi:** Was that the Leaning Tower of Pisa I just destroyed?

**American Tourist Down Below:** Good heavens, Velma! I told you that thing wasn't stable!

**Luigi:** Another one of the world's great landmarks, destroyed by yours truly. At least it was a fake one. Right?

_Luigi continues hopping along, trying to balance leaning the towers in the right direction with giving himself enough room to jump. He realizes Spiritual Toad was right: one little screw-up and he'd be plummeting down a bottomless pit. Off in the distance, he sees something bluish-green._

**Luigi:** Land! It's floating in the air, but whatever!

**Link:** And what's wrong with that?

**Luigi:** Nothing. Go restock your inventory in the Bazaar, wherever you came from.

**Link:** Good idea. I'll leave you to jump to the finish.

_Link dives off the edge of the tower and whistles. A big red bird flies underneath him, catches him, and soars away._

**Luigi:** Freakin' show-off. Real men get in and do it themselves.

_Luigi jumps to the next tower and grabs the sack of coins over it, hastily stuffing it down his overalls for temporary storage. Looking like a farmer with too much to eat, he hops to the third-to-last tower, beginning to sweat from the excitement._

**Luigi:** Almost there...!

_Luigi hops to the next one. The tower begins to fall over, but slightly in the wrong direction. Luigi's eyes "boing" open and he flings himself to the final tower, grasping the edge and beginning to slide off. Knowing the tower will fall his direction if he doesn't move quickly, he scrambles onto the top, redirecting the lean forward. The tower falls toward the floating island in slow-motion. Luigi leaps off, shouting a war cry and working his arms in circles. The slow-motion ends when he hits the island and rolls to his feet._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** I'm not going to lie. That was more tense than I thought it would be.

_Luigi vanishes from Teetering Towers and reappears in the real world on a yellow space. World 3 is complete. Even the sweat from the mini-game has disappeared._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Well, that's a load off my mind. Time to talk to Koopa.

_Luigi walks to the Save Space up ahead, right in front of the cave entrance. Koopa appears from nowhere, apparently well-versed in showing up at the appropriate time._

**Koopa:** Congratulations, Luigi! You're almost halfway done with Mini-Game Island. Feel free to take a rest, though. You're mowing through the mini-games, and there's still daylight left.

**Luigi:** True dat. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take a breather. Where's Mario?

**Mario:** Still catching up. This guy has moving around the island down to a science.

**Koopa:** I trained for it for years. I'll go ahead and save your game. Take as much time as you want before proceeding, Luigi.

**Narrator:** And so Luigi triumphed over World 3 and its dangers of dizziness, sand in the eye, and bleeding palms. Up next is World 4, set in an intimidimididding cavern. Luigi will have to cooperate with Mario to the fullest to pass these next trials. Stay tuned for part 5 of Mario Parody: Luigi vs. Mini-Game Island!

_Elsewhere on the island, a shadowy figure sitting in a revolving chair stares at an electronic screen. The figure drums its fingers together, contemplating Luigi's progress._

**Shadowy Figure:** He's not stopping for much of a rest, is he? He's determined to see this through in one day. Should he succeed in that, my plans will wind up in a knot, and it will take too long to unravel them. The plan is to stall him, not to kill him. I could end him in a heartbeat, but we need him. I wonder...how soon shall I start the invasion?

* * *

Website: Game Poll

Blog: Game Poll Haven

More information in profile.


	5. Plumbers of the Caribbean

**Mario:** I'm gonna go explore. The sight of all this dirt is killing me.

**Luigi:** I don't know, I might actually be interested in the world's first case of a guy being bored to death.

**Mario:** If anywhere can do it, it's here. _[glances at the sand again]_ Oh, gosh, my eyes!

**Koopa:** Just look away. Focus on something calming, like the sea.

**Mario:** _[slowly looks at the ocean]_ Surrounded by water on four sides again! Now it's just getting worse!

**Koopa:** Or the sky. The sky is calming.

**Mario:** _[looks up]_ The sun! My eyes! Aaaauuuugh!

**Koopa:** Alright, maybe it would be better if you just closed your eyes. Pretend you're somewhere else. Luigi and I will be right here.

_Mario closes his eyes and stumbles off, holding his hands out to feel his way around. Koopa sighs and looks at Luigi across the Save Space. They've been sitting and resting for about thirty minutes._

**Luigi:** _[glancing at the cave entrance]_ So what's in World 4?

**Koopa:** Well, I'm not allowed to spoil everything for you, but there are four mini-games instead of five like you've been doing the past couple of Worlds. I'm pretty sure it won't be nearly as painful. Except for...well, no, I can't say anything.

**Luigi:** Too traumatizing?

**Koopa:** No, part of my contract. So what's the deal with Mario, anyway? I heard he was stuck on another island before this or something...

**Luigi:** Right. _[leaning in dramatically]_ Mario once found himself on an island, all but abandoned by the inhabitants. The only company he was given was a sociopathic water-spraying device with a built-in self-destruct program. Something like that won't do much good hunting Goomba wannabes or cleaning goop, but after three weeks of a starving belly and thirst and insults from a mechanized water pack, that self-destruct program started to look real friendly. _[points his fingers at his head as if about to shoot himself]_

_In the background, Mario stumbles into a pit, screaming all the way down._

**Koopa:** How did Mario get off the island?

**Luigi:** Well, I'll tell you. He waded out into the shallows, and there he waited three days and three nights 'til all manner of sea creature came to him and acclimated to his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped himself a couple of dolphins, lashed 'em together, and made a raft.

**Koopa:** He roped a couple of dolphins?

**Luigi:** Aye, dolphins. Made an awful lot of squeaking when he changed position.

**Koopa:** What did he use for a rope?

**Mario:** Human hair. From my mustache.

_The turn to see Mario standing to the side, a little worse for the wear as a result of his wandering. He sits down next to them, rubbing his head._

**Koopa:** But didn't you say you arrived on the island by plane, Mario? Why couldn't you leave the same way?

**Mario:** I don't want to talk about it.

**Luigi:** From what he's told me, Toadsworth made Mario do something because he was old and Mario was young, or something like that, and that ended in Mario running for his life from a hundred angry villagers.

**Mario:** Nothing I wasn't used to, trust me.

**Luigi:** And the plane couldn't take off with a bunch of natives trying to destroy it, so Mario opted to stay behind and distract them.

**Mario:** Toadsworth gunned it the moment I arrived on the airstrip. He might have said a few choice words as well. I was kind of too far to hear. Would you believe how far a Pianta can swim when they believe you're the one who set the Shine Tower on fire?

**Koopa:** Something tells me we should talk about something else.

**Luigi:** _[standing up]_ Actually, I should get going. I've rested long enough.

**Koopa:** Always remember to pace yourself, Luigi. Most of our beta testers threw themselves into the ocean wearing a suit made of ham at this point, and you've been going through this non-stop.

**Luigi:** I bet not every one of your beta testers has saved the world like I have.

**Mario:** Only if Player 2 decided to use you.

**Luigi:** _[expression darkening]_ Shut up!

_Luigi strides away from the Save Space and enters the cave. It quickly goes dark, prompting Luigi to slow his pace and look around anxiously._

**Luigi:** Hopefully it's tall enough for me to stand up straight.

_Luigi walks into a stalactite and clutches his forehead._

**Luigi:** Nope.

_A group of bats descend from the ceiling, tongues hanging out of their mouths._

**Bat:** Look, gahs! It's deeyinner! Geeyit him!

_Trying not to scream and create further problems, Luigi gets on his hands and knees and crawls as fast as he can, ducking his head to cover himself. The bats rip his hat off and take turns flapping around in his hair, laughing and drooling all the way. Luigi swats them off, grabs his hat back, and renews his speed. After awhile, he looks up and realizes the bats are gone and the room has brightened up to reveal a series of bridges, both manmade and natural, forming a dangerous path over a sea of lava._

**Luigi:** Who in the world decides to put anything of value over a bunch of lava?

**Chuck Norris:** _[running and jumping off the edge of the pit]_ Cannonball!

_Chuck Norris splashes into the lava and happily frolics around, enjoying the mild tingling sensation. Luigi shakes his head and walks forward warily, coming to the first blue space which is set at the beginning of a long, icy white bridge. He gulps, wondering what body part he'll have to mutilate this time, and announces his readiness to Spiritual Toad. He appears in the spirit realm in front of the small mushroom man._

**Spiritual Toad:** I see you live yet.

**Luigi:** I know. Surprising.

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, I think you're going to like this one. Of course, it's going to require your brother from the same mother, so I might as well call him.

**Luigi:** Will he like it?

**Spiritual Toad:** Eh.

_Spiritual Toad snaps his fingers. Mario splats into the ground beside Luigi a moment later._

**Mario:** For pasta's sake, I was right behind the tree! Does no one have a sense of timing around here?

**Luigi:** Sorry, but I need you. Toad says I'll like this mini-game.

**Mario:** _[standing up]_ Well, goodie for you. Let's make it quick.

**Spiritual Toad:** This mini-game is called Bobsled Run. Basically, you slide down an icy hill against your opponents, and whoever reaches the bottom first wins.

**Mario:** I like it when they're simple -

**Spiritual Toad:** Or essentially whoever doesn't die. If both teams die, there's no winner, and Luigi loses a life.

**Mario:** And this is probably how gladiator contests started. Someone said, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if you could die in tag?" and Rome changed forever.

**Luigi:** Well, until about the fourth century AD.

**Spiritual Toad:** You'll start at the top curiously far from the slope, so you'll have to work with your brother to push the bobsled to the hill and hop in before you get left behind and look stupid. From there, you can shift your body weight from left to right to steer the bobsled and try to pass your opponents.

**Luigi:** _[elbowing Mario in the side]_ Yeah, just don't go sending us into a spiral, huh? Huh?

**Mario:** Hey. I've lost a whopping 2.8931 pounds in the last month or so. If anyone gets us killed, it'll be you and your rail-thin little behind who couldn't influence a marble to change direction.

**Spiritual Toad:** Relax, you guys. You're both fat, so accept it.

_Mario and Luigi glare at Spiritual Toad._

**Spiritual Toad:** Oh, so what am I supposed to make of those big round bumps above your waists?

**Luigi:** I'm not that fat...

**Spiritual Toad:** However much you weigh, you'll need to work together if you hope to even make it to the bottom. There are numerous points where you can slide into a bottomless pit, and trust me, you can yell for a loooong time going down before anyone else will care.

**Mario:** Cheerful.

**Spiritual Toad:** And there are red arrows here and there that will give you a speed boost when you hit them, so you might want to aim for those. Other than that, be a jerk and cut your opponents off every chance you get.

**Luigi:** Okay. Sounds like fun. Ready to go, Mario?

**Mario:** Do I have to "go"? Yes, I do. Let's be quick about this.

_Luigi shrugs and enters the Bobsled Run world with Mario. They reappear beside a big blue bobsled set on snow. Luigi looks around and realizes he's in some sort of big icy fortress. Wario and Donkey Kong stand beside a red bobsled on their right._

**Luigi:** Evening, gentlemen.

**Wario:** Oh, we're gonna hurt you bad, kid! We have muscles in our arms! You have mayonnaise!

**Luigi:** Seriously?

**Wario:** How else are you going to explain that pale, pasty skin?

**Luigi:** I suppose it's a step up from holding a blowtorch to my nose and smashing it into the front of a semi.

**Wario:** What's that supposed to mean?

_Donkey Kong hoots excitedly and shakes their bobsled back and forth. Wario smacks him in the chest, which, being akin to punching a brick wall, makes his fist rebound and hit himself in the face._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Capitalizing on Wario's foolishness, Luigi and Mario grab the side of their bobsled and heave forward with all their might, moving it along slowly but surely. Wario and Donkey Kong push even harder, getting ahead of the Mario brothers and hopping into the bobsled as it zips down the slope and out of the fortress. A second later, Luigi and Mario reach the slope. Luigi hops into the front, bracing himself against the wind. He hears screaming behind him and turns around to see Mario grasping onto the back, running behind the bobsled as it goes faster and faster._

**Luigi:** Hop in, Mario!

**Mario:** I can't! I'm feeling the G-force pull my face back! What do you expect?

_Luigi can't steer and pull Mario in at the same time, causing him to look back and forth uncertainly. Mario's eyes grow wider as the bobsled speeds up. Luigi realizes he needs to slow down to let Mario back in, but there is no stopping the bobsled...until he sees the red bobsled in front of him. He steers into it, causing it to jolt and fling Mario into the seat behind Luigi. He wraps his arms around his younger brother and leans into him, making their bobsled swerve dangerously._

**Luigi:** Get back in your seat, you moron!

**Mario:** Hang on, I need to go back and pick up my stomach!

_Luigi shakes him off and grips the front of the bobsled, trying to steer it past Wario and Donkey Kong up ahead. Wario raises both fists in the air and whoops. Donkey Kong slaps him in the back of the head, swerving their bobsled and forcing Wario to regain control. Luigi and Mario slide by them, pushing them off to the side. Luigi takes in Wario's surprised and frustrated expression, trying vigorously to burn it into his memory like a tattoo._

**Mario:** Eat our snow, punks!

**Luigi:** Cliff.

**Mario:** Whuh...?

_Their bobsled runs up alongside the edge of the slope, scraping chunks of ice into the bottomless pit. Mario and Luigi scream for about ten seconds before they finally steer it away from the edge and back towards the center._

**Mario:** Man, that was close.

**Luigi:** Cliff.

_They scream again as they draw near the other edge, the bobsled half-hanging off. It starts to tilt, but Mario bumps the bobsled to the right and gets them back on track._

**Mario:** "Don't go sending us into a spiral"...

**Luigi:** I'll thank you later, alright?

**Mario:** What's wrong with now?

**Luigi:** Because CLIFF!

_The slope narrows into one icy bridge. Wario and Donkey Kong ride on their tail, trying not to slide over the edge but wanting to push Luigi and Mario away. Donkey Kong leans past Wario and glares at them._

**Mario:** The slope is just getting narrower and narrower!

**Luigi:** There's an arrow up ahead. This could be the end of us.

_They slide over the arrow (which happens to have a troll face on it) and zoom forward. They try desperately to maneuver the bobsled expertly, nearly tumbling over either side. Wario and Donkey Kong behind them meet with similar troubles._

**Mario:** Hey, I think I see the end!

**Luigi:** Remember, Mario, stay away from the light!

**Mario:** No, the end of the slope! We've just got to keep ahead of those two bozos!

**Wario:** Easier said than done, you buffoons! I watch police shows all the time - all I have to do is tap the back end of your bobsled, and you'll go careening into oblivion!

_Wario helps maneuver his bobsled beside Luigi and Mario's, then jerks it into them with a dull thud. Nothing happens._

**Wario:** Darn you, Mario Party physics!

_Mario and Luigi pull into the fortress at the end of the slope, sliding over the red finish line and turning their bobsled to avoid slamming into a wall. Wario and Donkey Kong aren't so lucky and crash into the wall, knocking both of them out of the bobsled._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** Victory!

**Mario:** That was scary, but it was a fun kind of scary.

**Wario:** I can't believe the police shows lied to me! _[looks at Donkey Kong]_ And you sure didn't help much, you stinking oversized excuse for a chimpanzee!

_Donkey Kong seizes Wario by the throat with one hand, not even bothering to look at him. Wario squirms as his neck is reduced to a mere inch across._

**Mario:** Well, thanks for bailing me out when I almost didn't make it in the bobsled.

**Luigi:** I doubt I could have completed the mini-game without you. Thanks for not sending us into a spiral.

**Mario:** You dare say that to me after my girth pulled us out of limbo? _[looks down]_ Well, on the bright side, at least I don't have to pee anymore.

_Luigi leaps out of the bobsled and walks away. The mini-game world fades away and places Luigi back in the World 4 cavern, where the space he previously stood on is now yellow._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

_Luigi wipes the dust off himself as his obligatory victory pose plays. When he's gained his extra life and coins, he walks across the icy bridge and comes to a long, straight bridge made of brick. Luigi looks down at the lava and is reminded uncomfortably of the final level in Super Mario Bros.._

**Luigi:** Hopefully there's no axe at the end of this bridge.

_Luigi steps onto the next blue space and enters the spirit realm, cautious of any more strange reminders._

**Spiritual Toad:** Did you like racing last time?

**Luigi:** Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool.

**Spiritual Toad:** Good, because this is another racing game. You start at point A. You must get to point B.

**Luigi:** That's - I know how racing works, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** Have you ever raced on a collapsing bridge over lava while avoiding the Thwomps stuck in your path and desperately trying to build up the muscles in your extremities?

**Luigi:** Probably at some point.

**Spiritual Toad:** You're no fun. This mini-game is called Skateboard Scamper. You'll be doing everything I just said while riding a skateboard.

**Luigi:** Honestly, Toad, why a skateboard?

**Spiritual Toad:** Because skateboards are the fastest, most convenient method of travel. Your argument is invalid.

**Luigi:** Your face is invalid.

**Spiritual Toad:** Fair enough. So not only will you have to skate for your life to avoid falling into a sea of lava, but you must also reach the end of the bridge first. If any of your opponents get there first, you lose. And you might as well take a beautiful leap into the lava anyway. You'll want to mind the Thwomps stuck in the bridge as well. You can't skate through them, so you'll have to jump them.

**Luigi:** What are Thwomps doing in the bridge?

**Spiritual Toad:** My guess is they came to watch a parade, bonded with the bricks, and became trapped for all eternity.

**Luigi:** A parade over a bridge of lava?

**Spiritual Toad:** You're telling me you haven't seen one of those?

**Luigi:** No.

**Spiritual Toad:** Oh well. Good luck in Skateboard Scamper. Just remember to skate for your life and jump a lot.

_Luigi grunts and is accepted into the mini-game world. His vision clears to reveal himself on the long bridge, his right foot on a blue skateboard. Peach, Yoshi, and Donkey Kong are lined up on his right with differently colored skateboards._

**Luigi:** Good evening, everyone. Lovely place to stroll on a skateboard, huh?

_A fountain of lava erupts in the background, nearly drowning out Luigi's words. He wipes the sweat off his forehead._

**Peach:** Have I mentioned skateboarding in a dress is not at all dignified?

**Luigi:** Can someone record this and put it on YouTube?

**Peach:** Oh, as if it'll be funny for you to fall off the edge and into a sprawling ocean of magma.

**Luigi:** It's aboveground. It's considered lava.

**Yoshi:** Mup yap meepung bum rawr hup? [I consider you an unfortunate waste of valuable molecules, but that hasn't stopped your continued existence, has it?]

**Luigi:** Yoshi, go die in a fire. _[points to the lava]_ This fire, to be precise.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Shaking his head, Luigi skates forward, wobbling at first and getting dangerously close to the edge before correcting himself and staying in his line. Donkey Kong paws his foot on the skateboard instead of the ground, looking around the place and blissfully unaware he isn't going anywhere. Peach and Yoshi stay in pace with Luigi, sometimes getting ahead and occasionally falling behind. The bridge starts collapsing behind them. Luigi doesn't stick around long enough to see what happens to Donkey Kong._

**Luigi:** Man, this is killing my leg. It's on fire!

_Luigi looks over at Yoshi and notices the dinosaur's leg really is on fire._

**Luigi:** Whose idea was it to place this mini-game above lava, anyway?

_The fire on Yoshi's leg dies out. Not watching where he's going, Luigi skates into a Thwomp and trips over his skateboard, landing chin first before another row of Thwomps._

**Thwomp:** Dum dum.

**Luigi:** I love what you've done with your eyebrows.

**Thwomp:** You bring me gum gum?

_Hearing the sound of the collapsing bridge catching up to him, Luigi gets back on his skateboard and jumps over the row of Thwomps, gradually getting back up to Peach and Yoshi. He sees a sack of coins hovering in the air and leaps to get it, missing it by mere inches. Grunting in annoyance, he focuses on skating, trying not to think about how much of his leg will need to be amputated after this._

**Peach:** I can see the finish!

**Luigi:** Really?

**Peach:** For you!

**Luigi:** _[pointing past her]_ Is that why Channing Tatum is taking his shirt off over there?

**Peach:** _[whipping her head to where Luigi's pointing]_ Where?

_Peach skates into a Thwomp and stumbles over it with a short scream. The collapsing bridge catches up to her and takes her off the edge._

**Luigi:** Brutal.

**Yoshi:** Beep bum lam grawr. Beep bum lam. [It is just you and me now, insignificant little boy. It is just you and me now.]

_The two of them enter the final stretch of the bridge where no Thwomps are left. They skate even harder, sweat pouring down their faces etched into expressions of determination and fury. Luigi's leg starts to steam; Yoshi's leg bursts into flames again. They let out low war cries as they both cross the finish line and enter the safe house - Yoshi's war cry does not sound particularly threatening. They stop skating and bend over, panting heavily._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** Man, professional skateboarding competitions would be much more interesting if they used this setup. Whatever happened to Donkey Kong, anyway?

_Luigi looks over the edge of the safe house and sees something big and brown float by on the lava. It's Donkey Kong on a square of bricks, still busily pawing on his skateboard._

**Luigi:** Good to know he made it, I guess. Of course, Peach has met with a horrendous death, but other than that, everything's good. So who won?

_The mini-game world fades away. Luigi's sweat and burns disappear as well, much to his relief. When he appears in the real world, he finds the environment to be not much different._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Hey, I made it!

_Glad to feel his leg returning to its former strength, Luigi marches on confidently to the next blue space. His confidence vanishes when he realizes the blue space is on a long, winding, narrow set of rickety wooden tracks._

**Luigi:** Who designed this place? WHO designed this place?

_Luigi thinks he notices one of the wooden boards catching on fire and quickly decides to enter the spirit realm._

**Luigi:** Wooden tracks right over a sea of lava? Honestly?

**Spiritual Toad:** Great place for a date, isn't it?

**Luigi:** Yeah, a date with death. So what is it this time?

**Spiritual Toad:** You ever play Donkey Kong Country?

**Luigi:** No. Mario forbids us from playing any video games with Donkey Kong as the main character. Bad blood runs deep, he says.

**Spiritual Toad:** Doesn't stop him from inviting the ape to all his sports and festivities.

**Luigi:** Guy's not a deep thinker.

**Spiritual Toad:** Or inviting Bowser for that matter.

**Luigi:** Indeed. So -

**Spiritual Toad:** Or Bowser's son.

**Luigi:** Yeah. So what is it from Donkey Kong Country that's comparable to this?

**Spiritual Toad:** This mini-game is called Handcar Havoc. Similar to good ol' DKC, the point is to get to the end of an insane track while putting up with all kinds of twists and turns. Of course, this is a 2-on-2 game, so you'll need Mario for this again.

**Luigi:** He's not going to be happy about that.

**Spiritual Toad:** Eh.

_Spiritual Toad snaps his fingers and makes Mario appear next to Luigi, landing on his feet for once._

**Mario:** Oh look, you DO have good timing. I was being chased by the biggest freaking crab I have ever seen. Probably shouldn't have said I was getting tired of shrimp and wanted some crab meat. Also probably shouldn't have told him his life would serve more purpose in Boston, with an emphasis on the "serve."

**Spiritual Toad:** I don't get it.

**Mario:** Somebody will. So what am I doing now?

**Luigi:** Donkey Kong Country, basically.

**Mario:** What?

**Spiritual Toad:** It's a racing mini-game on handcars, Mario. You and Luigi have to pump the handcar as hard as you can to reach the end before your opponents do.

**Mario:** Oh. That. Always hated that game.

**Luigi:** I would offer my opinion, but you've never let me play it. Donkey Kong doesn't bother you anymore, anyway.

**Mario:** Oh, really? Then what is THIS that comes to my watchful attention?! _[whips out Mario vs. Donkey Kong from out of nowhere]_

**Luigi:** He wanted a toy.

**Mario:** And he darn near destroyed Brooklyn because of it.

**Luigi:** Funny how we're Italians who come from America but live in the Mushroom Kingdom. Makes a lot of sense.

**Mario:** _[shuddering]_ Don't question it too much, Luigi.

**Spiritual Toad:** I've been with you guys since almost the beginning, but even I am starting to get a little lost here.

**Mario:** Fine. Anything else we should know about Minecart Mayhem, or whatever it is?

**Luigi:** Handcar Havoc.

**Mario:** Whatever.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's a long track with lots of hills and sharp turns. Shift your body weight - I don't want to hear any jokes out of you two -

**Luigi:** Just one?

**Spiritual Toad:** No. Use your body weight to lean into the curves and keep yourselves on the rails. I hear a hot bath is good for cleaning out the pores, but take a dip in the lava and you won't have any pores. Other than all that, just pump iron.

**Luigi:** Sounds simple enough.

**Spiritual Toad:** Luigi, every time you say that, you wind up in pain.

**Luigi:** I guess that's true. Ready, Mario?

**Mario:** No, but I don't want to go back to the beach for awhile.

_They enter the mini-game realm, Spiritual Toad slowly disappearing from view. A moment later, Luigi finds himself on one end of a handcar, Mario on the other. Once again, there is boiling lava below them. Once again, Luigi swears he sees one of the wooden planks composing the track beneath start to catch flame. On Luigi's left is another track with exactly the same twists and turns as theirs. Wario and Yoshi stand atop their own handcar on the opposite track, watching them._

**Wario:** I love this. Every part of me is loving this.

**Mario:** Well, more power to you, Rotunda McFatso. I'd rather be elsewhere. Just not back at the beach.

**Wario:** Handcars are like what miners used! Miners mine stuff! That stuff is usually valuable! VALUABLE STUFF CAN BE SOLD FOR LOTS AND LOTS OF -

_Yoshi extends his tongue and slaps Wario across the face with it, leaving a distinct line of saliva where it touches._

**Yoshi:** Gurp yup meep hum hup. [I find the incessant vocalization of your monetary fantasies to be vastly irritating.]

**Wario:** You don't gotta lick me, boy. I know you love me.

**Female Voice:** Start! ...Oh, boy...

**Mario:** That's not encouraging.

**Luigi:** Just pump already, Mario!

_They work in tandem as best they can, Luigi pushing down when Mario pulls up and vice versa. The sweat begins to pour down their faces at an increased rate. Wario and Yoshi slowly get ahead of them, showing off their superior AI skills._

**Luigi:** Pump harder!

**Mario:** Human muscles have a limit, Luigi!

**Luigi:** You know what else?

**Mario:** Now what?

**Luigi:** CLIFF!

**Mario:** Fiery cliff!

_Luigi and Mario lean into the curve as they come up to it. The handcar goes dangerously up on two wheels, nearly tossing the brothers out. Their eyes widen and they lean into the curve harder, preserving their lives for just a little longer._

**Mario:** Heck, where are Wario and Yoshi?

**Luigi:** I can't even see them!

_They pump even harder, their biceps starting to shake from the effort. Another turn comes up, prompting them to lean in the proper direction to avoid a toasty death. The turn quickly goes the other direction, giving them a good scare before they right themselves again._

**Luigi:** Pump, man!

**Mario:** I'm pumping my hardest!

_The track veers upward, forcing them to pump almost beyond their limits to travel up it. It dips on the other side, taking away what little control they have._

**Mario:** I'm about done, Luigi.

**Luigi:** We are not done! We can do this!

**Mario:** I haven't been in shape for awhile.

**Luigi:** No excuse! It's got to be possible! Ow, my arms!

**Mario:** Exactly! Maybe we should tackle this later or something!

**Luigi:** We can't leave the island without beating everything!

_Luigi's arms begin to turn red and emit pressurized steam._

**Luigi's Arm:** Screw this, I'm out!

_Luigi's arms deflate like a balloon, rendering them completely useless. Luigi and Mario gape at them, horrified._

**Luigi:** That's not supposed to happen.

**Mario:** Did you keep the receipt on them? And oh, by the way - cliff!

**Luigi:** Crap!

_Without Luigi to help, they plunge over the side of the rails, screaming in unison as they hit the surface of the lava._

**Female Voice:** Finish! Ouch...

_Luigi finds himself back in the real world, still in one piece. And still on a rickety wooden bridge over lava._

**Female Voice:** Miss!

**Luigi:** And boy, did I miss.

_Luigi loses a life - not a huge concern at this point, but still something that aggravates him. He accepts himself back into the spirit realm with shoulders hunched._

**Luigi:** Stupid AI.

**Spiritual Toad:** Not so inferior now, are they?

**Luigi:** They're just capable of doing what humans physically can't. How am I supposed to beat that?

**Spiritual Toad:** Hard work and determination. And lots of luck. Face it, if you beat them at all, it's going to be by a nose hair.

**Luigi:** Interesting analogy.

**Spiritual Toad:** There's an old saying that goes "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." But you can't join the computers, so I suppose that proverb is fairly moot.

**Luigi:** Well, if I can't go faster than them, the only other possible way of winning is by default. If I can knock them out of the race, Mario and I can take our time. Speaking of whom, where is he?

**Spiritual Toad:** He'll be there on the handcar when you're ready. How do you plan to knock Wario and Yoshi out of the race?

**Luigi:** No idea. I'll figure something out.

**Spiritual Toad:** Better do it before your biceps spring another leak.

**Luigi:** I'll handle it. No pun intended.

_Luigi fades into the mini-game and appears on the handcar once again. Mario stands on the other side, recoiling in surprise._

**Mario:** Wah! What am I doing here all of a sudden? Where's the Hyperbolic Time Chamber?

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Luigi:** _[pumping steadily]_ Don't worry, I've got a plan.

**Mario:** And what's that?

**Luigi:** To develop a plan.

**Mario:** And that's how Alexander the Great conquered the middle east. By GUESSING!

**Luigi:** Chillax, Mario. We're working with Wario, the most brilliant mind you'll ever find in a loony bin. HEY, WARIO!

**Wario:** What's that, skinny boy?

**Mario:** Better than developing your own gravitational field.

**Luigi:** Which do you like better, gold or diamonds?

**Wario:** Gold, of course! The better to etch my beautiful face into!

_Luigi braces for a turn and tries to think of a rebuttal._

**Luigi:** Well...if you had to choose between a palace of gold or a palace of chocolate that can't melt, which would you take?

**Wario:** Oooh, a hard one! I have to think about this!

**Yoshi:** Berm rawr yip. [You cannot be serious.]

**Wario:** Gold is a sign of richness, but chocolate is so tasty! With chocolate, I could just reach out and grab chunks of it and eat it all day long! But chocolate doesn't mean richness, unless you count rich in flavor, so -

_Luigi looks ahead and sees a turn to the left coming up._

**Luigi:** Whoa, better watch out - turn to the right up ahead!

**Wario:** Whoops! You won't catch me off guard!

_Misguided by Luigi's words, Wario leans in the wrong direction. Yoshi shoots daggers from his eyes at Wario, narrowly missing his target in the moving handcar. Their handcar plummets off the rails, expelling its riders in a long free-fall._

**Wario:** I didn't even get to choooooose!

**Yoshi:** Aaaaaauugh! [Aaaaaaauugh!]

**Mario:** Unbelievable.

**Luigi:** Now we don't have to worry about time, and our muscles won't implode. We can take it easy.

**Mario:** And for the record, I would have chosen a palace of un-melting chocolate.

**Luigi:** I'll send flowers to the funeral home when you die of obesity within the fortnight.

**Mario:** Nice to know you care.

**Luigi:** Don't worry. They'll be dandelions from my backyard.

_With no time concerns, they reach the finish two and a half minutes later, muscles sore but intact. Luigi sighs, straightens up, and stretches his back, clearly not worried._

**Female Voice:** Finish! You're not setting any records, you two.

**Luigi:** Except for the most epic double kill ever.

_The Handcar Havoc world fades away, placing Luigi back in the only slightly more comforting real world. The soreness in his muscles dissipates some, but he retains a portion of it._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

_Luigi regains his lost life and continues to the final blue space of World 4, which thankfully isn't located on a bridge over lava. Back on solid ground at long last, Luigi is now disconcerted by the group of white Boos hovering around him._

**Boo 1:** 'Sup.

**Luigi:** Yeah. Hi.

_Luigi enters the spirit realm, creeped out by the Boos which have always been his number one weakness._

**Luigi:** I don't think Boos are nearly as timid as they're cracked up to be.

**Spiritual Toad:** They've become a bit bolder over the years. Last month, three of them beat up a Goomba with a baseball bat.

**Luigi:** Holy crap.

**Spiritual Toad:** No kidding. I know you have a pretty big fear of ghosts, Luigi, but this mini-game shouldn't be too painful. It's called Ghost Guess. It takes off of a real life game where all the players form a circle around you. One Boo is the leader and will always be the one to start a certain movement, which all the others will then copy. Your job is to GUESS which GHOST is the leader, hence the name.

**Luigi:** Where are the lava blasts and torture devices?

**Spiritual Toad:** There really aren't any in this mini-game.

**Luigi:** That's peculiar.

**Spiritual Toad:** You're peculiar, but we like you anyway. Guessing which Boo is the leader isn't quite as easy as you may think at first. The Boos tend to move at roughly the same time, so don't make your decision based on only a couple of moves. You can watch their shadows on the walls, which are conveniently exaggerated, if you need a little more help. Don't take too long, though, or the Boos will gradually close in and drag your soul to purgatory.

**Luigi:** ...

**Spiritual Toad:** Virtual purgatory, of course. But since no such thing has been fully programmed, you'll just pop back into the real world and lose a life.

**Luigi:** Good. Is that all?

**Spiritual Toad:** Essentially. Just don't rush it, even though a bunch of ghosts have you trapped and want to drag you to the center of the earth.

**Luigi:** I'm doing alright now, Toad. Let's not make things worse.

_Luigi enters the Ghost Guess world and appears in a stone valley at what is apparently night. He is hemmed in by walls on three sides, leaving only one way out. As he runs toward it, the laughter of Boos sounds through the night, stopping him cold. He looks wildly for the source but sees nothing. A few seconds later, eight Boos appear from nowhere and surround him, trapping off his escape._

**Boo 1:** 'Sup.

**Luigi:** Yo. Which one of you is the leader?

**Boo 5:** I dunno, you see a leader, Scary Jane?

**Boo 3:** Haven't seen one, Mic-kill. Guess there isn't one, green man.

_The Boos almost imperceptibly inch in closer as they circle him. Luigi swallows nervously._

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Luigi:** Oh, man.

_The Boos wobble back and forth, clearly the first in their series of moves. Luigi looks at their shadows on the walls, trying to decide who moved first. They make a second move by stretching their bodies vertically. Luigi thinks he knows which Boo started it, but remembering Spiritual Toad's advice, he stays his hand._

**Luigi:** Come on, stop moving around, you bunch of freaks. You're scaring me.

_The Boos bullhorn with their hands, apparently enjoying themselves. They next scrunch up their faces into tight balls no bigger than Luigi's fist._

**Boo 8:** Okay, who thought this was a good idea?

**Boo 2:** I can't see!

**Boo 5:** I think this has destroyed most of the muscles in my face.

**Boo 6:** We're ghosts. We don't have muscles.

**Boo 1:** We used to.

**Boo 7:** Or did we?

_The Boos resume normal expressions and undulate again, getting closer to Luigi. Luigi watches the shadow of Boo 4 and concludes that Boo is the leader. Mustering up his courage, Luigi runs up and touches Boo 4. The Boos stop and stare at him._

**Boo 4:** Seriously?

**Boo 8:** He got it already? Talk about tough luck.

**Boo 2:** _[frowning]_ Wait, you were the leader? I thought it was Deaderick.

**Boo 4:** No, that was me, man.

**Boo 2:** Dude.

**Luigi:** So, I win. What happens?

**Boo 6:** Can we drag him to the underworld anyway?

**Boo 4:** Nah, much as I hate saying this, he got this fair and square.

**Boo 7:** What if we just drag him a little bit?

**Boo 6:** If we drag him to the underworld and then return him to the surface, it's like he never went at all.

**Boo 4:** Be cool, my peeps. We'll get somebody else. _[turns to Luigi]_ Well, you guessed the correct leader alright, so I suppose we'll let you have our treasure. But don't think it'll be so easy next time.

**Luigi:** Will there be a next time?

_Boo 4 smirks evilly. All the Boos disappear instantly, leaving a treasure chest where Boo 4 was. Before Luigi can act, it opens up and releases a floating stream of ten coins._

**Luigi:** Oh, here we go again.

_Luigi gets knocked into the wall as the coins fly into his chest. He gasps for air as the mini-game world fades and is replaced by the real world once more. He stands up and dusts himself off, eyes set on the Save Space._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** And that wraps up World 4. Ugh. I'll be grateful to see the outdoors again after this.

_Luigi walks to the World 4 Save Space, where Koopa dutifully bounds from the sidelines and screeches to a halt in front of him._

**Koopa:** Yeah...nice going, Luigi...it's hot in here...oh...

**Luigi:** Don't like infernal temperatures?

**Koopa:** I'm not partial to them, no. I'll save your progress, but then you'd best be back on your way to World 5. You can't get to it from this way.

**Luigi:** Yeah, no biggie.

_Something in the cavern emits a loud, high-pitched groaning noise. The cavern walls flash for a moment, temporarily blinding Luigi. His ears pop as the pressure in the room shifts for a couple of seconds._

**Koopa:** What the heck was all that?

**Luigi:** Save it, save it, save it, save it!

_Snapped out of his reverie, Koopa goes through the usual rite of saving Luigi's progress. With the work done, Koopa dashes out of sight, using whatever hidden paths he knows. Unnerved by the activity in the already disturbing cavern, Luigi turns around and runs back the way he came, anxious to start on the hopefully more pleasant World 5._

**Narrator:** Luigi overcame World 4, beaten by scorching lava and overwhelming computerized opponents, but victorious by only his wits and cooperation with his brother. In contrast to World 4, World 5 has a large number of mini-games, coming in at eight. As Luigi gets increasingly weary both physically and mentally from the island's challenges, can he survive this next onslaught? And what caused the cavern of World 4 to react so strangely? Find out in Chapter 6 of Mario Parody: Luigi vs. Mini-Game Island! ...Did I start my reading with "and so"? I didn't start with "and so"! This is terrible! I'm in violation of my contract! Excuse me, folks, I must go clear up this misunderstanding. Please...keep yourself busy and do whatever it is you usually do between chapters.

* * *

Website: Game Poll

Blog: Game Poll Haven

More information in profile.


	6. The Rating

**Luigi:** So this is World 5.

_Luigi stands at the edge of the sandy World 3, staring at the expanse of ocean. A narrow set of bridges in front of him connect a group of islands and floating objects to one another, ultimately leading to the entrance to World 6 at the far end. A whopping eight mini-games stand between him and the next Save Space._

**Luigi:** Guess I might as well get started. When my desire to burn something grows from igniting a couch to igniting a building of moderate size, I'll take a longer break. _[glances back at the entrance to World 4]_ That's if it's safe to take a rest anywhere.

_The first blue space is still on the main island, right up to the water's edge. Wondering what could take place on a beach, Luigi walks to the space and enters the spirit realm._

**Luigi:** Hello again, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** Hello again. I'm starting to worry about you.

**Luigi:** That's okay. I've only heard one other voice in my head so far. So what was that weird thing that happened in World 4?

**Spiritual Toad:** What weird thing?

**Luigi:** With the lights and the humming and the ears popping and all that. What happened?

**Spiritual Toad:** Hey, don't ask me. The island's been around since forever. The Mini-Game Island owner just set up shop here. Wouldn't surprise me if there were a few island secrets.

**Luigi:** Who owns the island?

**Spiritual Toad:** I dunno. Guy's a recluse.

**Luigi:** Please don't use that word. I have unpleasant childhood memories of big brown spiders.

**Spiritual Toad:** Duly noted. This mini-game is called Cast Aways. It's funny because you use a fishing rod to CAST AWAYS from the island. And then you brings it tos you.

**Luigi:** It's a fishing mini-game.

**Spiritual Toad:** Basically.

**Luigi:** Do I get a Golden Scale for a real lunker?

**Spiritual Toad:** No, but if you succeed in reeling something in, you get money. Get thirty coins or more, and you win the mini-game. You'll have three other bozos who'll probably steal some of the stuff you want, but there's nothing you can do about that.

**Luigi:** Give me a magnum and three bullets, and I'll see what I can do.

**Spiritual Toad:** Unfortunately for you, there is none of that. Floating out in the sea will be three rows of objects passing by. Coins are worth just one coin, obviously, sacks are worth five, and chests are worth ten. I'd go for the bigger items if I were you. You don't have enough time to get thirty individual coins.

**Luigi:** I'm guessing the closest row is the easiest to time.

**Spiritual Toad:** Quite, but you're less likely to find neat crap there.

**Luigi:** How do full treasure chests float on the water?

**Spiritual Toad:** _[gesturing his hands and wiggling his fingers]_ Imaginaaaation...

_The X-Files theme plays for a few moments. Luigi stares at Spiritual Toad, not buying the story._

**Spiritual Toad:** Just roll with it, Luigi. Anyways, there's something you should know about the fishing rods. Do you know how to reel actual fishing rods?

**Luigi:** _[simulating with his hands]_ Yeah, you just rotate the reel like this.

**Spiritual Toad:** Uh-huh. Now turn your hand horizontal.

**Luigi:** Like this?

**Spiritual Toad:** Yeah. Keep doing it. Now open your fingers...

_Luigi's eyes "poing" open as he realizes what action he's simulating._

**Luigi:** Mother of son of a...

**Spiritual Toad:** Now picture a Nintendo 64 controller in your hands...

**Luigi:** So soon? I have to do this so soon?

**Spiritual Toad:** Hey, you're the one who refuses to rest longer than thirty minutes, as I recall. Besides, this mini-game isn't a constant flesh-ripping fest, so you'll at least have a small reprieve from drilling a hole through your palm. You only rotate when you're reeling in, so the rest is just timing your swings. Any other questions?

**Luigi:** No, just send me in.

**Spiritual Toad:** It won't hurt too bad. I promise. I'm not even crossing my fingers.

**Luigi:** Crossing your eyes doesn't count either, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's a rare but spontaneous medical condition.

**Luigi:** I'll deal with it. Just send me in.

_Spiritual Toad sends Luigi into the Cast Aways realm. Luigi appears on a broader version of the beach in the real world, the ocean sprawling before him. In his hands is a long white hand rather than a normal fishing pole._

**Luigi:** He forgot to mention this.

_Luigi is on the far left side of the beach with Wario, Peach, and Donkey Kong lined up on his right, all holding long white hands. Donkey Kong uses his fishing hand to scratch his back._

**Wario:** Can you believe it, string bean? An entire ocean full of money!

**Luigi:** Can we please find something else to talk about? It's always money with you.

**Peach:** Yes, people with obsessions annoy me - Donkey Kong, please stop.

_Donkey Kong glances at Peach, the index finger of his fishing hand in his nose._

**Luigi:** Well, I'm glad he's farthest from me.

**Peach:** As I was saying, I dislike people with overt obsessiveness. So unnecessary. _[looking over the water]_ Hey look, a treasure chest! Sometime in the future, I want to reveal my inner darkness and use a treasure chest to steal peoples' hard-earned items from them and use said items against them! It will be my signature weapon!

**Luigi:** Is that chest also going to be flat?

**Peach:** Presumably. I guess I don't know what you're getting at.

**Luigi:** Probably best that way.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_The floating objects come en masse, filling up three rows in front of the beach. Luigi rears back his fishing hand and throws, aiming for the far row. He misses a treasure chest by mere inches and begins the painful reeling process. He looks into the sky to distract himself from the pain. Peach's hand grabs the treasure chest Luigi had tried to nab before. He glares at her as she reels it in._

**Luigi:** Might as well start slow and simple, then.

_Luigi looks for sacks or treasure chests in the closest row. Instead, a volleyball floats by, a red handprint with a face decorating the front. In the farthest row, a long-haired bearded man on a raft floats by, sobbing._

**Bearded Man:** Wilson! I'm so sorry, Wilson!

**Luigi:** And now we wait for the audience to catch the reference.

_Luigi spots a sack in the front row and catches it with ease, reeling it in and netting himself five coins. All the way on his right, Donkey Kong rears back and accidentally flings his fishing hand over the ocean. He stands unaware of what happened for a few seconds, then stares at his hands and realizes his fishing hand is gone. He turns to Peach and glares, shifting his gaze from her to her fishing hand._

**Peach:** This is MY fishing hand, Donkey Kong. You threw yours away.

_Donkey Kong stomps the ground and crosses his arms. Luigi manages to grab a treasure chest in the second row and reels it in._

**Luigi:** You know, I have to contemplate the possible hidden messages in this mini-game. Realistically, your goal is to take your hand and grab a bunch of sacks and chests.

**Peach:** When you put it that way, it is kind of creepy. Who designed this mini-game?

**Luigi:** Probably the same people who designed a conical Pokemon whose only moves are to harden and squirt white liquid.

_Donkey Kong grunts and points in the air._

**Luigi:** Sorry. K+ rating. I'll remember that.

_With only twenty seconds left on the clock, Luigi aims for another treasure chest in the second row and successfully grabs it, reeling it in and bringing his total number of coins up to twenty-five. Ten seconds remain, and he needs five more coins to win. A treasure chest floats by in the row closest to Luigi, coming in from the right. He readies his fishing hand, only to have Wario grab it and reel it in._

**Wario:** Less money for Luigi means more money for me! Nyah ha ha ha ha!

**Luigi:** Excuse me, I have a crick in my back.

_Luigi leans back, casting his fishing hand over his shoulder. The hand smacks Wario in the face, then spins his head around as it comes back and flings into the water, grabbing a sack. Wario drops his fishing hand and works to unwind his head as Luigi grabs his last five necessary coins right before time is up._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Wario:** Gah! Vrta brta hrm...

**Peach:** Donkey Kong, I did not steal your fishing hand. _[points to a white form in the ocean]_ There's your hand. You threw it away.

_For some reason, Donkey Kong doesn't seem convinced. Peach straightens up as if remembering something, then turns to Luigi with an irritated expression._

**Peach:** Wait a minute...I just got the flat chest joke, Luigi.

**Luigi:** I'm ready to be taken out, Toad.

**Peach:** Oh, I'll take you out, alright.

**Luigi:** Toad?

_Luigi warps out before Peach can do anything unsightly to him. He appears in the real world again, finding the Cast Aways space yellow._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

_Luigi gains an extra life and thirty coins, then walks across a narrow bridge to what appears to be a large, open barrel floating in the water. Shaking his head, Luigi hops in, causing the barrel to bob uncomfortably._

**Luigi:** This isn't encouraging.

_Luigi enters the spirit realm, nearly losing his balance when the ground suddenly stops moving._

**Spiritual Toad:** I've got some potentially good news, Luigi. Beat this mini-game, and you're 25% through World 5.

**Luigi:** Yeah, that's like comforting a guy on his fiftieth birthday by telling him he's only half a century old. So what's this one?

**Spiritual Toad:** This is a delightful little mini-game called Shy Guy Says. It's incredibly simple; four players, including you, stand in barrels tied to a ship. The Shy Guy on the ship raises either a white or red flag. Raise the same color flag, and you're still in the game. Raise the wrong one or don't move, and you're out.

**Luigi:** That sounds too pacifistic. Where does the violence come in?

**Spiritual Toad:** Eh, if you're out, the Shy Guy severs your rope and leaves you to die in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight. Are you a good swimmer?

**Luigi:** In the old days, we could breathe underwater.

**Spiritual Toad:** But those were the old days.

**Luigi:** I'm still waiting to see where Mini-Game Island fits in all this.

**Spiritual Toad:** Anyway, the last person standing wins. The Shy Guy will periodically attempt to fake you out by raising both flags at the same time, so don't raise your flag too readily. Always be sure he's not about to lower or switch out one of his flags.

**Luigi:** Cheap little midget.

**Spiritual Toad:** And that's it. Got it all?

**Luigi:** Yup. Send me in.

_Luigi enters the Shy Guy Says realm, the clouds and bubbles fading away. When his sight returns, he is once again bobbing up and down in a barrel. A long rope connects him to a small ship in front of him, where a red Shy Guy with a big blue pirate hat stands on the bow. Yoshi, Peach, and Wario stand in barrels to his left and right._

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink!

**Luigi:** Didn't I see one of your cousins in Paddle Battle?

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink dink, dink dink, dink dink dink DINK dink dink. Dink dink?

**Luigi:** Sometimes.

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink "dink" dink dink?

**Peach:** Are you two honestly communicating?

**Yoshi:** Lup bum meep ho yup. [No, his mental faculties have merely devolved into primordial ooze.]

**Luigi:** Well, I'm assuming I've said something to him.

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink!

**Luigi:** Maybe I should try to communicate with Yoshi. _[clears his throat]_ Erp mip yeep bum lup. [I left the oven on in my 1,500-coin-a-month apartment.]

**Yoshi:** Germ yam mup. [If only you would.]

**Peach:** Whatever. You're an idiot, Luigi.

**Luigi:** Still smarting from the chest comment?

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi quickly grabs the two flags in his barrel and holds them at his side, ready to raise at a moment's notice. The Shy Guy raises a red flag in the air. The four players raise their own red flags, sparing them for one turn._

**Wario:** _[raising his right hand]_ Question.

_The Shy Guy sees Wario's raised flag, puts his own flags away, and draws his sword._

**Wario:** That actually answers my question. Can I -

_The sword comes down and severs Wario's rope. His barrel swiftly floats away. Wario waves his hands wildly, shrinking into the horizon. As he's little more than a dot in the distance, a giant sea serpent lunges out of the water and swallows him whole._

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink dink.

**Luigi:** Indeed.

_Shy Guy raises his white flag this time. Luigi, Peach, and Yoshi hold up their white flags, shaking slightly and staring wide-eyed. This pattern continues for a few more turns with the players trying their best to keep up. Finally, Shy Guy raises two flags. One is red and the other is black._

**Luigi:** Whuh...

_Shy Guy lowers the flags and bends over laughing, pointing at them and slapping his knee. When he's finished making fools out of the players, he changes the black flag for a white one and raises it. The players follow suit._

**Peach:** My heart just about stopped.

**Luigi:** Get me a translator so I can tell him where I'm about to put my foot.

_The battle rages on awhile longer, the three players keeping up diligently. Luigi periodically glances behind him to check on the sea serpent._

**Peach:** So...intense...

**Luigi:** I know. I'm about to raise the white flag myself.

**Peach:** _[snapping out of her reverie]_ White flag? I've got a white flag!

_Peach raises her white flag as the Shy Guy raises his red. Most likely smiling behind his mask, the Shy Guy severs Peach's rope. She zips back in the ocean current, shrieking and flailing. Fortunately, no sea serpent arrives._

**Luigi:** I actually meant in surrender, but whatever.

**Yoshi:** Meep bo pum lap. [And now it is just you and me again.]

_They match each other flag for flag, glaring at each other in between glances to the Shy Guy. Five minutes pass of doing this, neither giving way to the other. Luigi's arms start to ache from all the lifting, and he can swear he sees little fires in the Shy Guy's eye-holes._

**Luigi:** Fall already!

**Yoshi:** Gum mup. [You first.]

**Shy Guy:** DINK DINK!

**Luigi:** I'm working on it!

_Three more minutes pass of staying alive. Luigi wonders if the Shy Guy isn't contemplating cutting them off anyway. He kind of hopes he does._

**Luigi:** Aaaugh! At this rate, my arms are going to require amputation!

**Yoshi:** Hup lub beem yup. [I would enjoy seeing that, you persistent annoyance in my backside.]

**Luigi:** Fall!

**Yoshi:** Huppo. [Never.]

_Yoshi accidentally raises the wrong flag. He looks triumphantly at Luigi, then does a double-take at his flag and widens his eyes. He screams at Luigi in the Yoshi language, presumably using words inappropriate for the story rating. The Shy Guy cuts him off, sending him into the distance. The "defeated boss" theme from Ocarina of Time plays._

**Shy Guy:** Dink dink, dink.

**Luigi:** Trust me, I know.

_Luigi fades out of the Shy Guy Says realm and back into the real world. The soreness in his arms quickly disappears, though he's still sore and tired in general._

**Female Voice:** Clear! What took you so long?

**Luigi:** Yoshi was being me.

**Female Voice:** A jerk?

**Luigi:** I was going to say tenacious, but that works.

_Luigi gains his extra life and coins, then moves on to the next blue space, treading over the slim bridge carefully. He arrives on a small grassy isle and enters the spirit realm._

**Spiritual Toad:** Hey, guess what?

**Luigi:** What?

**Spiritual Toad:** After beating this, you'll be 37.5% of the way through World 5!

**Luigi:** Good to know.

_Spiritual Toad holds up a calculator and bounces up and down, clearly pleased with himself. Luigi rolls his eyes._

**Spiritual Toad:** So anyway, this next mini-game involves four people. It's called Bumper Balls.

**Luigi:** Sorry, never been into that kind of thing.

**Spiritual Toad:** Hey, K+ rating, Luigi.

**Luigi:** You started it.

**Spiritual Toad:** Evidently contrary to what your twisted mind has conjured up, Bumper Balls is a game where you stand on top of a big ball and try and roll it into your opponents to knock them back until they fall off the island. The last person standing wins. If there are more than two people left when time is up, it's a draw, and you lose a life.

**Luigi:** This is assuming I don't just fall off the ball and look like an idiot, right?

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, don't fall off the ball.

**Luigi:** Easy for you to say. I'm going to have three people going after my head. I think Peach in particular is getting mad at me.

**Spiritual Toad:** You know what they say: hell hath no fury like a woman thcorned, or thomething along thothe lineth.

**Luigi:** The only one I fear more is Yoshi. He's hated me since day one, which is odd since we used to be such good buddies in the Mushroom Kingdom.

_A flashback to an earlier, more peaceful time in the Mushroom Kingdom. Luigi is riding on a green Yoshi's back through a forest level and comes across a Koopa shell._

**Luigi:** Alright, Yoshi! Let's get it! _[punches the back of Yoshi's head]_ Yaaah! Yah, mule! Destroy them Koopas!

**Yoshi:** Berm meep hup... [One of these days, I swear...]

_The scene returns to the present._

**Luigi:** So I don't get it.

**Spiritual Toad:** At any rate, you don't have a lot of time to finish your opponents in Bumper Balls, so you may want to resort to interesting tactics when the numbers dwindle. Just be careful you don't fall in the ocean yourself, or a big squid will come along and drag your body to goodness knows where.

**Luigi:** But at least I warp back here.

**Spiritual Toad:** Could hurt before then.

**Luigi:** Whatever. Send me in.

_Spiritual Toad sends Luigi into the mini-game realm. He appears on a larger version of the grassy isle from before, standing on a blue ball about as tall as he is. He nearly loses his balance and adjusts himself, keeping his heart rate down. In the other corners of the isle are Peach, Wario, and Donkey Kong, standing atop pink, yellow, and brown balls respectively._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Wario raises his fist into the air and shouts a war cry, rolling his ball towards Peach. Peach yelps and moves out of the way at the last second, causing Wario to change his war cry into a scream of terror and plummet off the island. A squid promptly arrives, wraps its tentacles around Wario, and pulls him away._

**Wario:** Somebody help meeeeee! I don't even like calamari!

**Luigi:** That'll go over well with the squid.

**Peach:** Hmph. Idiot.

_Not paying attention, Peach doesn't notice Donkey Kong rolling towards her. He slams her off the island, sending her flying a good thirty feet or so before her scream is abruptly silenced in the water._

**Luigi:** And once again, Wario and Peach are the first to fall. Brace yourself, Donkey Kong!

_The last two players roll at each other, balls bouncing off and colliding again over and over. Luigi grits his teeth, sweating as epic music plays and things explode in the background. Twenty seconds pass in this manner until they've worn a groove into the island._

**Luigi:** Okay, hold up. We need to talk.

_Donkey Kong stops and grunts, staring at Luigi awkwardly. The epic music slows to a halt._

**Luigi:** This isn't working. We're just going back and forth. We need to take a different approach.

_Donkey Kong hoots and rolls back and forth on his ball excitedly._

**Luigi:** Listen, I'm going to circumvent the island, and we'll work things out tactically from there. Got it?

_Donkey Kong slaps Luigi and starts beating his chest. Luigi rubs the side of his face in irritation._

**Luigi:** I'm going to go now so that this mini-game will get somewhere. Help me get out of this rut.

_Luigi rolls his ball back and forth a bit, then pops out of the groove without Donkey Kong's help. Donkey Kong hoots louder and stays where he is._

**Luigi:** _[rolling around the island]_ Come on, DK. Let's get a move on.

_Donkey Kong continues to hoot and beat his chest. Luigi slows and stares at Donkey Kong._

**Luigi:** DK. Let's go. My accent is not that thick. Come on, you stupid monkey.

_No reaction other than the normal. With only ten seconds left, Luigi needs to provoke the ape somehow._

**Luigi:** I stole your Golden Banana hoard. I kidnapped your simian family members. My brother kicked your grandfather off a building. I -

_Luigi is interrupted when Donkey Kong slams into him, steam pouring out of his ears. He gets pushed right to the edge of the island, leaving flames in his wake. Dangerously close to losing, Luigi quickly rolls his ball to the side as Donkey Kong barrels past, almost falling off the island himself. Luigi turns his ball around and bumps into Donkey Kong, giving him the final push off the island. He sighs and wipes his brow. Only two seconds were left._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** That was kind of weird.

_Luigi leaves the Bumper Balls realm and appears in the real world once more. His next destination is located next to a boat. He remembers Shy Guy Says and hopes the next mini-game is nothing like it._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** So far, so good. Only lost a few times or so.

_Luigi walks to the next blue space and enters the spirit realm. Spiritual Toad looks at him excitedly._

**Spiritual Toad:** Hey! Hey, Luigi! Guess what?

**Luigi:** 50%?

**Spiritual Toad:** Yup.

**Luigi:** Are you going to bring this up every time?

**Spiritual Toad:** Nah, I just wanted to do it for World 5 considering it has the most mini-games out of all of them. Surprisingly, this next mini-game is somewhat pacifistic.

**Luigi:** No one dies?

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, you can get mauled by a shark or two squids, but otherwise, it's safe.

**Luigi:** Encouraging.

**Spiritual Toad:** Or you can drown, but you just float to the surface of the water and regain your breath. This mini-game is called Treasure Divers. There are a bunch of treasure chests at the bottom of the ocean, so you're supposed to swim down and bring as many to the surface as you can. Bigger chests contain more money, so you'll want to go for those, but they're generally harder to bring up. Watch out for the shark and squids, or you'll drop your chest.

**Luigi:** I believe they're called Bloopers.

**Spiritual Toad:** But they're based off of squids. Your goal here is to get ten coins or more, which should be incredibly easy. Take a few big ones and swim to the surface.

**Luigi:** Sounds like fun. I'll be going now.

**Spiritual Toad:** No petting the shark.

_The spirit realm fades away, and Luigi finds himself floating on the surface of the sea. With no land in sight, he has no choice but to keep swimming. A boat is to his left with Donkey Kong and Yoshi beyond, and Wario is to his right._

**Wario:** Another ocean full of money!

**Luigi:** Isn't it great? Why don't you live here away from the rest of society?

**Wario:** But then I don't get to annoy people by throwing my boogers out the window!

**Luigi:** That's disturbing.

**Wario:** Although sometimes I forget to open the window.

**Luigi:** I've heard a little too much now.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi takes a deep breath and plunges below the surface, keeping his eyes open so he can see where he's going. He dives straight to the bottom, which is thankfully not far, aiming for one of the bigger chests. He grabs one and swims up, but Wario kicks him into the shark swimming overhead. He drops the treasure chest in pain, and Wario scoops it up instantly and swims to the surface. Annoyed, Luigi returns to the bottom and takes another large chest, bringing it to the surface as his breath starts to run out. The chest opens automatically and spews a few coins onto the boat. Below the surface, a Blooper swims next to Donkey Kong. The ape grabs it and swiftly ties it into the shape of a poodle. The Blooper sinks to the bottom of the ocean, eyes wide._

**Luigi:** Where in the world did he learn how to do that?

_Taking another breath, Luigi dives beneath the surface and reaches for a fairly large chest, returning it to the surface before anyone can stop him. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Donkey Kong grabbing another Blooper, inflating it like a balloon, and releasing it into the sky, where it slowly shrinks into a dot and blends in with the clouds._

**Luigi:** I never thought I'd say this, but I hope that Blooper is alright. _[looking at the boat]_ How many coins do I have now, seven? Shouldn't be hard to find three or four more.

_He looks down and spots one more big treasure chest at the bottom. Donkey Kong is too busy turning the shark into something, and Yoshi is clinging onto the boat, blue-faced (which looks pretty weird against his green skin). Wario sees the treasure chest as well and dives down quickly. Luigi follows suit and swiftly overtakes him, being the faster swimmer, and retrieves the chest. Wario makes goofy faces at him as Luigi swims back to the surface and obtains a few more coins._

**Wario:** Curse you and your fast-swimming-ness!

**Luigi:** You always did have the crappiest speed stat in Super Mario 64 DS.

**Wario:** Yeah, but you always had the highest LOSER stat!

**Luigi:** Wario, your jokes aren't even funny.

**Wario:** Hey, look at Yoshi over there! I hope he's okay - he looks a little green! Nya ha ha ha ha!

**Luigi:** Alright, that was kind of funny.

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** Done already?

_The Treasure Divers realm fades away again, replaced by the less hectic but more boring real world. To his pleasure, the space he was on is now yellow._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** And that makes me 50% done with World 5. Gosh, Toad is rubbing off on me.

_Luigi walks to the next blue space, which happens to be on yet another small grassy isle. To his displeasure, this one somehow juts out of the ocean and wobbles around on the surface. Grimacing, he enters the spirit realm and regains his balance._

**Luigi:** Guess what? 62.5%.

**Spiritual Toad:** Sixty-two point... Wait, that was my line.

**Luigi:** Ruining your day one line at a time.

**Spiritual Toad:** Fine. This mini-game is called Bombs Away. The gist is to stay alive until the end while a pirate ship flying Bowser's flag attempts to blow you to pieces. Sound like fun?

**Luigi:** Not really, no.

**Spiritual Toad:** Too bad. Obviously, not all of the cannonballs will hit the island, but if you're near one when it does, you'll be stunned. Might want to jump around so that doesn't happen.

**Luigi:** And naturally, each cannonball will knock the island around like one of those toys that never falls over, so I have to avoid falling in the water, right?

**Spiritual Toad:** You're an astute one. Of course, being hit with a cannonball blows you away instantly, so either way, you'll wind up in the water. And mind the three other idiots who'll be running around the island with you, 'cause they can screw you over and land you in the drink.

**Luigi:** Anything else I need to know about?

**Spiritual Toad:** The omnipresent Bloopers are here to take you away if you fall in the ocean.

**Luigi:** Once again, I am disturbed. Send me on in, Toad.

_The spirit realm fades into white, and Luigi finds himself on the wobbly little isle again. Donkey Kong, Peach, and Yoshi are also on the isle, trying to find their balance._

**Luigi:** Someone please explain the physics of this to me.

**Peach:** E = mc Mario Party. That's all you need to know.

**Luigi:** My brain is still not satisfied.

**Peach:** Your brain is stupid.

_In the distance behind them, a warship with a black Bowser flag sails by, cannons at the ready. In the cannon room, the captain stands behind a grunt, looking out at the island with the four victims._

**Captain:** Fire a warning shot next to the island!

_The cannon launches a shot through the air, which knicks a part of the island and tilts it dangerously, causing the four on it to slide around in a panic._

**Captain:** Careful, you idiot! I said next to the island, not on it!

_The grunt turns around, revealing severely crossed eyes._

**Grunt:** Sorry, sir! Doing my best!

**Captain:** _[turning to the officer next to him]_ Who made that man a gunner?

**Writer:** Nah, we probably can't use that joke.

_Back on the island..._

**Luigi:** Everyone alright?

**Peach:** Donkey Kong, get off me!

_Peach pries herself from Donkey Kong's massive hands, who had been using her as a sort of teddy bear. They resume their spots as best they can._

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Peach:** I call that a cheap shot.

**Luigi:** Watch the cannonballs, and don't run into each other!

**Yoshi:** Dungy Pong hip meep yam. [Donkey Kong, please run into him.]

_A cannonball lands beside the island, tilting it in the opposite direction slightly. Luigi steadies himself and jumps out of the way of another cannonball, which stuns Donkey Kong. The ape slides off the island and into the ocean like a rag doll, where a dutiful Blooper floats along and pulls him away._

**Luigi:** They got Donkey Kong!

**Peach:** Well, yeah. He's only motivated when someone threatens his bananas or something.

**Luigi:** Yeah, I discovered that.

_The hailstorm of cannonballs continues, turning the island all around. Luigi nearly slips off, but grips the island with his fingers and pulls himself back on. He looks up just in time to see a cannonball hit Peach in the face and launch her straight into the water._

**Luigi:** That was quicker than I thought it would be.

**Yoshi:** Hum bup meepung. [It is time, plumber of Italy.]

**Luigi:** Wait, is it just you and me again? How does it always wind up being just the two of us?

**Yoshi:** Berm bum meep huppo lap lam yup, hmm dup beep map. [You are an immovable object and I am an unstoppable force, but now I shall move you.]

**Luigi:** _[dodging another cannonball]_ You look angry.

**Yoshi:** Gup yap luppo bum. [I shall extinguish your life today.]

_A pair of daggers shoots out of Yoshi's eyes from pure hate. Luigi sidesteps at the last second and watches the daggers zip by._

**Luigi:** Oh, it's come to this, has it? You've been stewing over revenge the whole time I've been at the island?

_A cannonball hits the center of the island, rocking it wildly. Luigi crouches to gain better balance._

**Luigi:** Well, this is hardly the time or the place! Some pirates want us dead, so we've got to work together if we want to survive them first.

**Yoshi:** Rawr. Beem mup lag. [No. I shall wait no longer.]

_The final boss music of your choosing starts playing. Yoshi leaps at Luigi, narrowly avoiding a cannonball pounding the spot he was in, and knocks Luigi to the ground, hands around his throat. Luigi punches him repeatedly and throws him over his head. Yoshi grabs onto the island and hangs by his fingertips. Filled with righteous anger, Luigi walks to him and raises his foot._

**Luigi:** Game over, lizard!

_A cannonball hits the opposite side of the island, knocking Luigi backwards and sending Yoshi on top of him. The dinosaur punches him once, then continues trying to strangle him._

**Luigi:** Here again?! Why are we always here?!

_Luigi reaches his hand into the ocean and flings saltwater into Yoshi's open mouth. Yoshi yelps and backs away, holding his own throat for once. Luigi warily gets to his feet, ready for anything._

**Yoshi:** Eepung, Meebyebawr, huppo bum rup rawr. [Very clever, MacGyver, but you have only bought a little time.]

**Luigi:** I've had enough of this, Yoshi, and I'm not going to fight you anymore.

**Yoshi:** Muff yup heepo. [Then you are an ignoramus.]

**Luigi:** Know why I'm not going to attack? Because I've got to have faith in who I am. Haven't you seen the YouTube videos? I can win...by doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

**Yoshi:** Gurp hup meep mung - [That is a mere fairytale designed to - ]

_A cannonball blasts into Yoshi, knocking him far off the island. The isle teeters violently, bowling Luigi over, but he remains on land. A few seconds later, the green form of Yoshi hits the water about a hundred feet away._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** That dinosaur has it out for me. Hopefully this doesn't come back to haunt me later. Probably will.

_Luigi leaves the mini-game realm and reappears in the real world. He massages his throat as it heals itself._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

_He crosses the narrow bridge to the next blue space, which is floating on the water between a couple of boats. Growing weary of the mini-games in World 5, he enters the spirit realm._

**Luigi:** So what's with the two boats?

**Spiritual Toad:** I was just about to tell you, but you insisted on speaking first. This game is called Deep Sea Divers. The goal is to dive down to the ocean floor and bring up treasure chests for money.

**Luigi:** Gee, sounds familiar.

**Spiritual Toad:** Have you ever heard of deja vu?

**Luigi:** That got old already, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, the difference between Deep Sea Divers and Treasure Divers is that the former is a 2-on-2 mini-game, so...

_Spiritual Toad snaps his fingers, and something red and blue falls from nowhere. Luigi jumps to the side._

**Spiritual Toad:** He's not moving.

**Luigi:** He's asleep. He does this when no one moves him for awhile. Just give him a moment.

_They wait for a few seconds. Mario snores loudly. Luigi kicks him in the side and Mario leaps to his feet, yelling incoherently and looking around wildly._

**Spiritual Toad:** I guess a moment was up?

**Luigi:** I forgot how much I hate his snoring.

**Mario:** What the...? I died!

**Luigi:** You're not dead, Mario. We've been over this.

**Mario:** Oh, I'm here again. I suppose this is another 2-on-2 mini-game.

**Spiritual Toad:** Yup. Your job is fairly minimal, Mario. Luigi will be attached to the hook of the fishing rod you'll be given. He's going to swim under the water, grab treasure chests, and bring them to the boat. But since it's a deep ocean and the chests are heavy, he won't be able to bring most of them up by himself. When you've been given some sort of signal, you'll have to reel him back in to expedite the process, or he'll "drown" and drop the chest. Get fifteen coins and you win.

**Mario:** Got it. He never was that heavy anyway.

**Luigi:** I'm just grateful I'm not the one in the boat.

**Mario:** You're hilarious.

**Luigi:** I am.

**Spiritual Toad:** You should especially be grateful since Mario has to do control stick rotation.

**Luigi:** Ha HA!

**Mario:** Control stick what?

**Spiritual Toad:** Your fishing rod is going to look a little different than normal, Mario. Instead of a normal reel, there'll be a little analogue stick on the front, and you'll have to rotate it as fast as you can to reel Luigi in.

**Mario:** _[shrugs]_ Okay.

**Luigi:** But it doesn't work worth crap unless you use your palm. Enjoy your blisters.

**Spiritual Toad:** At least they disappear when you leave the mini-game realm.

**Mario:** Fine. I'll show you how a real man does it...or, should I say, a REEL man!

**Luigi:** Letting us into the mini-game realm now would be nice.

**Spiritual Toad:** As you wish.

_They fade into the Deep Sea Divers realm. Luigi instantly feels his clothes get soaked as he floats on the surface of the water. A white rope wrapped around his waist connects him to Mario's fishing rod in the boat to his side. In the other boat is Wario holding a fishing rod to Donkey Kong._

**Mario:** Wow. There is absolutely no land anywhere, is there?

**Luigi:** At least we have a boat.

**Mario:** Oh, right, I AM in a boat. Now I get to sing that one song.

**Luigi:** Mind the rating, Mario.

**Female Voice:** Start!

**Wario:** Go make me a fortune, you little chimp!

_Donkey Kong dives under the water voraciously, kicking up a wave onto Wario's boat and nearly pulling it under. It wobbles back and forth, almost knocking Wario over. Luigi dives under as well, looking around for treasure chests. He sees one on a nearby ledge and starts to go for it when something at the very bottom of the ocean floor catches his eye. It's an enormous treasure chest, one which Donkey Kong is swimming to at the moment. Letting out a muffled yelp, Luigi quickens his swimming and dodges around all the rock ledges and shelves. He comes almost neck-and-neck with Donkey Kong, staying far away enough so the ape can't interfere with him. They both near the bottom and Luigi reaches out, barely managing to grab the chest first. Donkey Kong lands on the ocean floor and stamps his feet, apparently unable to take the chest from him._

**Luigi:** (This has got to be fifteen coins in and of itself. Now I've just got to get it back to the boat, and Mario and I will be riding the gravy train.)

_Straining from the weight of the chest, Luigi begins the slow swim up, kicking his feet hard. He tugs on the rope around him a couple of times to let Mario know he's coming up. He continues swimming for a few seconds, wondering why he's not going any faster. Didn't Mario get the signal? He tugs on the rope again, harder this time. In the darkness of the bottom of the ocean and starting to run low on breath, he suddenly feels claustrophobic. Suspenseful music plays as he kicks his legs more frantically, trying to make it to the surface as soon as possible._

**Mario:** _[holding his iPhone]_ Now, let's see what's on the ol' Facebook today. Two new messages? From Peach? Oh, you silly girl, you.

_The suspenseful music resumes as Luigi begins to grunt and groan from lack of oxygen, his cheeks bulging. The light of the sky is still too far away. Donkey Kong swims by with a smaller treasure chest, but Luigi knows the chest in his own hands will be the ape's if he doesn't make it to the surface soon._

**Mario:** "i made u a strawbery cake for when u return i swear im not kidnapped this time lol". Ah, she knows me too well.

_Mario glances past his iPhone and notices the line on his fishing rod bobbing around a bit. Biting back a swear word, he drops the iPhone and starts reeling Luigi in as fast as possible, ignoring the pain growing in his palm. A green and blue image below a large brown box grows more visible by the second. A few seconds later, Luigi bursts from the water, the huge treasure chest opening on its own and releasing a stream of coins._

**Luigi:** EEEEEEEEUUUUGGGHH!

**Mario:** Geez, Luigi, you alright?!

**Luigi:** _[pants]_ What..._[weakly slams his fist on the side of the boat]_...part of the signal did you not get?

**Mario:** I was being attacked by water ninjas.

**Luigi:** You piece of crap.

**Mario:** They're relentless.

**Luigi:** Whatever you were doing...don't do it again. I'm going back down for more treasure chests. You're gonna back me up, alright?

**Mario:** Yeah, I got it. I'll keep an eye out for water ninjas.

**Luigi:** I'm sure you will.

_Luigi dives back under the water, slowly disappearing from view. Mario bends down and retrieves his iPhone._

**Mario:** I'm surprised I get any service way out in the middle of the ocean. In a virtual dimension. Figures. _[typing on the iPhone]_ "ill be their soon as luigi conqers himself n all that :)". Boy, I sure do love strawberries.

_Back underwater, Luigi grabs another treasure chest. He watches Donkey Kong pick up a chest on the shelf below him and swim back with an excited gleam in his eyes. Luigi tugs on his rope again and is pleased to feel himself slowly being reeled back in. He does his own part and swims toward the boat, reaching it faster and depositing the contents of the chest into it. Mario gives him a thumbs up; Luigi notices a hole in the middle of his glove. Smiling somewhat maliciously, Luigi dives back under and keeps up the pace, bringing back chest after chest. At last, Donkey Kong brings up the final chest as time is running out._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Luigi:** We had to have won. There's no way we couldn't have.

**Mario:** I helped.

**Luigi:** Eventually you did. See you in the next 2-on-2 mini-game.

**Mario:** Yup.

_Luigi fades from the Deep Sea Divers realm and appears in the real world once more, his clothes drying instantly. He is now 75% done with World 5 if anybody cares to keep track._

**Female Voice:** Clear.

**Luigi:** You betcha I cleared it. What's next?

_Luigi crosses the next bridge to the subsequent blue space. The entrance to World 6 is in sight. To his dismay, it seems to be a cave. Reminded uncomfortably of his experience with World 4, he enters the spirit realm to prepare for the next mini-game._

**Spiritual Toad:** I'm not gonna lie, that was pretty funny.

**Luigi:** What was?

**Spiritual Toad:** The whole Deep Sea Divers thing. Great job with the big treasure chest.

**Luigi:** You can see all that?

**Spiritual Toad:** And some. Almost done with World 8, Luigi.

**Luigi:** My gosh, this is dragging on forever.

**Spiritual Toad:** Eh, it'll get a bit easier. The rest of the worlds from here on out have six mini-games.

**Luigi:** So what lovely scenario of torture do I have to look forward to this time?

**Spiritual Toad:** Mushroom Mix-Up. Be the last one standing, and you win.

**Luigi:** Like Bombs Away?

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, there are no cannonballs, but there's a whole lot of water. There are seven giant mushrooms in a bunch, standing tall from the water. I'm going to raise a colored flag, and every mushroom but that color will sink into the water. So naturally -

**Luigi:** Wait, you're in this?

**Spiritual Toad:** I am.

**Luigi:** You're everywhere these days.

**Spiritual Toad:** I'm a unique individual. So as I was saying, you'll want to flock to the one mushroom that doesn't sink into the water before it's too late, but there are three other players fighting for survival as well. Things may get a little crowded. If you want, you can screw somebody over by hip dropping on them and squashing them like pancakes.

**Luigi:** Hip drop? Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned standbys like ground pound?

**Spiritual Toad:** The higher-ups wanted something new.

**Luigi:** So I'll be sure to "hip drop" on people I want out of the running and avoid getting hip dropped on. But honestly, what do the hips have to do with any of it?

**Spiritual Toad:** Well, you have to use your hips to turn in midair for it, don't you?

**Luigi:** You have to use your thighs, too, but obviously we're not calling it a thigh drop.

**Spiritual Toad:** Just go with it, Luigi. I've told you all you need to know...except that the mushrooms sink and rise faster with each passing turn, so you'll have to be more punctual. Otherwise, have fun.

_Luigi enters the Mushroom Mix-Up realm and is greeted once again by endless water. This time, though, he's standing on a giant black mushroom. Peach, Yoshi, and Donkey Kong are on the same mushroom, trying not to bump into each other. Six other mushrooms of different colors surround the black one._

**Toad:** Yo.

**Luigi:** _[turns around]_ Huh?

**Toad:** Told you I'd be here. Now let's get this show on the road, huh?

**Luigi:** No hard feelings, right, Yoshi?

**Yoshi:** Meepung bo yap! [So many colors!]

**Luigi:** Yoshi?

**Peach:** He sounds unusually cheerful.

**Luigi:** We're pals now, right? No more shooting daggers from the eyeballs?

**Yoshi:** Lambo! Peep bum map lambo! [Friends! We can be friends!]

**Luigi:** Uh...

**Peach:** I'm just as confused as you are, Luigi. Didn't he used to hate you?

**Luigi:** For one reason or another, yeah.

**Toad:** Hey! I said let's get this show on the road!

**Luigi:** Alright, fine.

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Toad raises a red flag. Everybody scrambles to the red mushroom, but Donkey Kong gets there first and spreads his arms open, keeping anyone else from getting on._

**Peach:** You filthy orangutan!

**Luigi:** Screw this, I'm not settling for this.

_Luigi leaps over Donkey Kong using his superior jumping skills and lands safely on the edge of the mushroom. The momentary confusion causes Donkey Kong to lower his arms, and Peach and Yoshi clamber onto the mushroom just as all the others sink._

**Peach:** Donkey Kong, never do that again.

**Yoshi:** Heep bop bam! [Let's share the mushroom!]

**Luigi:** I guess he's not entirely ignorant. Still, it's survival of the fittest, so who can blame him, really?

**Peach:** I can probably think of a few reasons.

_The other mushrooms rise back to the surface. Everyone runs back to the black mushroom and waits for Toad. He raises a yellow flag, and everyone runs to the yellow mushroom._

**Luigi:** Introducing the latest technique in child education...

**Peach:** No better way to learn than dunking yourself in water over and over again, right?

_The other mushrooms rise. The group returns to the black mushroom and looks at Toad. He raises a purple flag, and everyone starts to run off until they stop and look closer._

**Peach:** Wait...there is no purple mushroom.

_The four scream as every mushroom sinks into the water. Toad laughs and puts the flag away._

**Toad:** Alright, I jest. Bloopers, don't take them away.

_The mushrooms rise again, showing four very upset and thoroughly drenched players. Peach spits a bit of water from her mouth._

**Toad:** Come on, I've been watching this place for years. I've always wanted to do that. Now then...

_Toad raises a dark blue flag. The four rush to the dark blue mushroom as all the other ones sink. Luigi notices the routine is getting a little faster. They return to the black mushroom when it resurfaces._

**Luigi:** How well do you like me, Peach?

**Peach:** Oh, you do and say some things that annoy me sometimes, but you're an okay guy, I guess.

_Toad raises a green flag. Luigi jumps over Peach and hip drops on her, squashing her flat. He bounces off her and lands on the green mushroom. Peach, too squashed to move, can't save herself in time. Luigi hears a lot of muffled screaming from her as she goes down. He decides he doesn't want to know what she's saying._

**Yoshi:** Beepo, bum! [Bye-bye, Barbie!]

**Luigi:** It had to be done.

_A Blooper takes Peach away. The mushrooms wait for the Blooper to leave before rising. The remaining three rush to the middle. Toad raises a black flag and watches them expectantly. Nobody moves as all the other mushrooms descend._

**Toad:** No takers, huh? Just keeping you on your toes.

_The mushrooms return, and Toad raises another yellow flag. Donkey Kong jumps over Luigi and hip drops. Luigi hops out of the way and rushes to the yellow mushroom. Donkey Kong looks below him in surprise, wondering where the green man went. He doesn't bother to move as the other mushrooms sink and submerge him._

**Luigi:** And then there were two. _[turns to Yoshi]_ So how've you been feeling, Yoshi? You a little sick?

**Yoshi:** Hup meep rawr! [I like rainbows!]

**Luigi:** Ah, who am I kidding? I can't understand him. Maybe he's plotting to kill me while my guard's down.

_They return to the black mushroom when it rises. Once again, Luigi finds himself squaring off with Yoshi, only now the dinosaur is stereotypically happy and cheerful instead of cold and vengeful. Luigi tries not to dwell on it too much as he jumps from mushroom to mushroom. The mini-game gets faster and faster with each turn._

**Luigi:** Time for a little underhanded trick. Hey, Yoshi! A melon!

**Yoshi:** Eep bum? Hup - [A melon? But you're - ]

_Momentarily distracted, Yoshi doesn't move in time to save himself, and Luigi hops onto the red mushroom alone. He smacks his hands together, silently congradulating himself._

**Female Voice:** Finish!

_The mini-game world vanishes into white, replaced by the real world where there is still water all around._

**Female Voice:** Clear!

**Luigi:** Almost there, Luigi, and then we'll take a little rest. Oh, now I'm talking to myself.

_Luigi proceeds to the final blue space, which sits on a wooden post with a rope connecting the post to the far side. Mustering his courage, he enters the spirit realm._

**Spiritual Toad:** 87.5%, Luigi.

**Luigi:** Ho, boy.

**Spiritual Toad:** It's just this one last mini-game, and then you've beaten World 5. And then you'll be 52% done with Mini-Game Island.

**Luigi:** You've really looked into it. So what's next?

**Spiritual Toad:** The final mini-game of World 5 is Tightrope Treachery. It's a 1 vs. 3 mini-game where you have to walk across a tightrope while facing all kinds of opposition.

**Luigi:** Toad, I can't do that.

**Spiritual Toad:** Relax, it's a big rope and you're an athletic guy. Your three opponents will ride around in little boats down below, trying to knock you off by shooting you with cannonballs. It also gets pretty windy way up high, so keeping your balance can be difficult.

**Luigi:** I'm walking on a tightrope. Of course it's going to be difficult. So what was the deal with Yoshi, anyway? Why was he so friendly?

**Spiritual Toad:** Glitch in the program, perhaps? Or maybe he just hates you so much that he's come full circle. I wouldn't really worry about it.

**Luigi:** Strange things are happening on this island, Toad.

**Spiritual Toad:** The sooner you can beat all the mini-games, the sooner you won't have to worry about it. There's not a whole lot more I can say on Tightrope Treachery, because all you're doing is walking from point A to point B. And it's a straight line.

**Luigi:** Yeah, I'll handle it.

**Spiritual Toad:** Time's another concern, though. Even if the Three Stooges don't knock you off the rope, they may stall you until time's up, and you don't want that either.

**Luigi:** Got it. I'll just turn into Spider-Man and dodge it all, no problem.

**Spiritual Toad:** Sarcasm?

**Luigi:** Yup.

**Spiritual Toad:** You'll be fine. I'm sending you in now.

_The spirit realm fades into white and is replaced by endless ocean a few seconds later. Luigi automatically has to fight for his balance as he's placed on a rope just a little thicker than he is. He thinks he's okay until the wind starts to blow._

**Luigi:** This could be tricky.

**Wario:** Hey!

_Luigi looks down and sees Wario, Peach, and Donkey Kong circling around in small boats with cannons. He swallows._

**Wario:** Why don't you come down from there? I don't like it when people look down on me!

_Wario laughs hysterically. Luigi tries not to focus on anything but the white line on the far end of the rope which indicates the finish._

**Female Voice:** Start!

_Luigi walks forward slowly, almost losing his balance and tumbling off right at the beginning. He corrects himself and holds his hands out to steady himself better._

**Wario:** Hey! Hey Luigi! Hey! Hey!

**Luigi:** What?

**Wario:** Why do you think you're so high and mighty?

**Luigi:** Funny, Wario.

**Wario:** You can't walk through life with your head in the clouds!

**Luigi:** The clouds are pretty far above me.

_A cannonball zips by his face, nearly hitting him in the nose. He glances down again and notices Peach smiling evilly._

**Peach:** _[in a singsong voice]_ Oh, Luiiiigiiiii...

**Luigi:** And this is the part where everything comes back to haunt me at once. It was still totally worth it, though.

**Peach:** I've got a present for you...

**Wario:** You're not above the rest of us, you know!

**Luigi:** Am I going to have to put up with this the whole mini-game?

**Peach:** Yes!

_Peach fires another cannonball which hits Luigi in the side of the head and ricochets off into the distance. Stars burst before his eyes and he wavers a little, but manages to stay on the rope._

**Peach:** How did that not knock him down?

**Luigi:** How did that not kill me?

**Peach:** This would be so much easier if our boats weren't so hard to control!

**Luigi:** Trust me, babe, this isn't a whole lot easier.

**Peach:** But I'd wager my role is a lot more satisfying.

_Another cannonball hits the rope, shaking it a little bit. Luigi almost falls off but somehow keeps his balance. He attributes it to all his years of sliding around in the platformer games and learning not to fall off cliffs. He makes it to the midway point, head still pounding from the attack. Cannonballs are flying everywhere now, though none have hit Luigi again._

**Peach:** He's halfway there already?

**Luigi:** I'm only halfway there?

**Wario:** Don't talk down to us, Luigi!

**Peach:** Wario, can you please just focus on shooting him for now?

_A cannonball jolts the rope again. Luigi falls on his stomach and feels the air whoosh out of him. Another cannonball sails where his head had been a second ago. Luigi forces himself to his feet and keeps walking, grateful he's made it this far. He makes it three-quarters of the way to the finish, quavering at this point._

**Peach:** I think this boat's steering wheel is sticking.

**Luigi:** So that's your excuse? It's not lag or plain old bad luck? Why don't you hyperventilate and tell us more about it?

**Wario:** Sounds like you've got high hopes, Luigi!

**Luigi:** I thought you were exhausted of those already!

_Luigi steps back and lets a cannonball pass by his face, then continues forward at a brisk pace, wanting to reach the finish quickly. Peach sails around in circles below him, still trying to figure out her boat. The white line comes closer and closer._

**Peach:** Yes! I think I've finally got it figured out! I've got you right in my sights, Luigi! Ready, and...

_Peach gets hit with a cannonball, resulting in a bloodcurdling scream of rage. For once, Luigi is glad he's up on the tightrope and not on the water._

**Peach:** What the heck, Donkey Kong! You shot me!

_Donkey Kong shrugs and goes in circles around Wario, who is too busy making some other joke about Luigi being in the air to notice. Gritting her teeth, Peach sails right below Luigi and prepares her cannon again._

**Peach:** One last shot at this...

**Female Voice:** Finish!

**Peach:** No!

**Luigi:** Well, I'm done.

**Peach:** I'm surrounded by incompetent morons.

_Luigi disappears from the mini-game world. A second or two pass before the real world comes into view. Balance still screwy, Luigi tumbles off the wooden post and into the water below._

**Female Voice:** Clear! Oops...

**Luigi:** Oh, don't mind me. The water's shallow, and with the sun out, I'll dry off in no time. I'm off to take a breather. This island's hot air must be getting to me.

_Luigi sloshes out of the water and makes his way to the World 5 Save Space, wiping his eyes and shaking his head. He plans to discuss much with Mario and Koopa when they turn up._

**Narrator:** And so Luigi completed World 5, dripping with water and victory. He is now just a little over halfway done with the trials of Mini-Game Island. But what do these trials truly represent? Why is Yoshi suddenly the nicest person on earth where he previously despised Luigi? Who is the mysterious owner of the island? The answers may be coming sooner than you think. Find out on the next exciting episode - _[clears his throat]_ I mean, chapter of Mario Parody: Luigi vs. Mini-Game Island!


End file.
